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One Year Ago…

Jan 20th, 2010 by Exprincess

A year ago I said the words that changed my life. A lot has happened in the past year. I discovered inner strength I didn’t know I had. I discovered I could be heartless and selfish when I have to be and that it’s okay to be heartless and selfish sometimes. I discovered that putting myself first is possible. I discovered that some people understood that and others didn’t. I discovered that no matter how much I explain it some people will never understand why I left my marriage and no one else needs to understand it. I did this for me and no one else.

Last week we stood in front of a judge and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She granted us the divorce.

Last weekend I spent time with good friends who all are in various stages of their divorces. We talk about a little about what happened to our marriages, but mostly we talk about what we want for our lives. Talking with them over the past year gave me the emotional support I needed to see this through. I hope that I am as much support for them as they were for me.

I have discovered different women handle their divorces differently. Some want to forget their marriages altogether, others mourn the loss of what they once had and what could have been, for me I will work on remembering the good parts and learning from the bad parts.

Carole King – It’s Too Late

There’ll be good times again for me and you
But we just can’t stay together
Don’t you feel it too
Still I’m glad for what we had
And how I once loved you

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Moving On…

Oct 20th, 2009 by Exprincess

I’m not dead. I haven’t fallen off the face of earth. I haven’t changed my mind. Ok that’s a bit of what I haven’t been doing, now for what I have been doing: I’ve been moving on with my life. I moved into a loft apartment and out of the house I once thought I would grow old in. I took off my rings and haven’t looked at them since putting them in a drawer. I started to do things on my own and facing the world alone. And you know what, it can be a little scary out there but nothing I can’t handle. So far I’ve handled movers, car repair, furniture shopping and the maze known as parking at Logan. And I handled it all on my own. I was covered in bruises during the move but I learned to not pack boxes too heavy. The Service Manager at the car dealership did talk down to me a bit but I let it go in one ear and out the other. It is very easy to buy more than you pick up at Ikea, always check box weights and sizes and know your’s and your car’s limits. Logan’s Economy Lot 2 is right next to Terminal E, much easier to get to the other terminals than from the regular Economy Lot. For some reason Logan wants you to park in the boondocks instead.

I know I have real life lessons to learn. I know I have more fears to face. I know I will be scared at times but I have the inner strength to survive. And when I think I don’t, there is a voice that tells me I do.

Today I got the phone call from the lawyer. In 31 days we have a court date. I knew it was coming, I thought it would just be a sit down with the judge to discuss the agreement. My lawyer told me “If we have an agreement walking in, I will get you your divorce”. In 15 days we meet in my lawyer’s office. Me, My Lawyer, The Prince’s Lawyer and The Prince. I haven’t seen him since I moved out 3 months ago. Seeing his face scares me more than anything. The last time I saw him he looked at me with such a cold stare. I need to prepare myself to see that again. I need to prepare myself for the worse and hope for the best. Until then, I will keep moving on with life.

This fairytale is coming to an end. Now to see what happens when an Ex-Princess has to fend for herself. All I can say is I really miss my maids.

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Looking for a New Castle

Jun 20th, 2009 by Exprincess

It’s been awhile, I know, sorry about that, things have been slow going. The stress levels in the condo castle are almost to a breaking point. I know I need to get out before we completely distroy any relationship we might have left. The Prince has taken his I don’t know how to deal with you attitude and turned it into a I don’t want to be a civil human being to you. I know it’s the stress of the divorce and the lack of a job beating him down, but simple common courteous isn’t that hard. I t got to a point where I had to relay messages through the lawyers to the person 10 feet away from me and then he got pissed at me for doing it. I think it was the content of the message more than the delivery method “Get a job or put the condo on the market.” He says back to me “Where am I supposed to go” and I know that’s not my problem. I need to move out of here, I know this.

So I’ve been looking at apartments. Saw one a few months ago, reasonable distance from work, great space, price was exactly at my upper limit. Saw a place yesterday, once again beautiful, great community, very close to work, the only apartments I would fit in, too much money. Saw an apartment building today. Every unit they showed me was beautiful and I could afford even the three bedroom, which I outright said “This is too much room for me.” I narrowed it down to two units there that I really liked, really I think one is better than the other but that’s what second showings are for. The problem, it’s as far from work as I am now, just in the opposite direction. I would be happy to suffer a 45 minute commute to smile when I come home though. Tomorrow I see my father and we will talk these over. He wants to see any place I might want to rent first. Check things like security, the neighborhood, etc. You know all those things that fathers worry about when their little girl is involved. With luck I could be leaving a deposit and an application with them this week and have a move in date as soon as I want.

That’s the good news, the bad news: Telling The Prince. This will not be pretty. I do not expect him to be happy about this, I do not expect him to help me move, I do not expect anything from him. Unfortunately his attitude of late is making it easier for me not to care about his feeling. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. I care about everyone. If you are family or friend or perfect stranger, I care about your feelings. Even if you have hurt me, I care. It’s gift or a flaw depending on how you look at it. But this man I married, who has been part of my life for 28 years, has managed to get me to be apathetic toward him. Do I not care at all? No, I do still care some, but lately I have been putting my own feelings first and I don’t think he likes that. Oh well, not my problem. Someone has to put me first, might as well be me.

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I’ll be alright…

May 14th, 2009 by Exprincess

In the past weeks I felt like I hit bottom. I didn’t see how I was going to get out of this and make it on my own. So many friends told me they had been there and that it will get better, but part of me didn’t see how it could. Then I talked to my parents and my brother and his wife, they are more supportive than I could hope for. Today I met with my lawyer for the first time. He was honest about the facts but showed me that it’s not the end of the world. The economy sucks and we aren’t the only couple forced to live together longer than they want to over it. But he has me working on gather more information and filling out more paperwork.

I really do think I’ll be alright…

Stand – Rascal Flatts

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Busy Week…

May 14th, 2009 by Exprincess

This is my THIRD attempt to get this blog post up, Wordpress hates me I think.

So much has happened in the last week, my mind is a blur… so I am pretty sure this post will reflect that.

I looked at an apartment. A 2 bed, 2 bath in a converted mill building, exposed brick, exposed beamed ceilings, original hardwood floors, brand new everything, all the amenities I could want. This is the first of a few places that fit my needs that I will be looking at. I’m so excited with the idea of moving out and moving on with my life, I’m practically giddy when I think about it.

I opened my own bank account. First time since my early twenties that I had an account that just has my name on it. I felt like this was a major step for me. I think I twittered or texted about it a lot for an account with only a few dollars in it, but it’s mine.

He begged me not to move out. Not yet at least. He wants me to wait until he has a job. I told him I’ve been waiting for 4 months, how much longer do I have to wait? He said it’s not like he wants me to live there under duress, but how do I know that? I ask about his job search and I get grunts and shrugs. Those aren’t answers from a 40-something, those are answers from a teenager who would rather play computer games all day. That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried because I felt his frustration, I cried because I felt guilty, I cried because I felt trapped. I cried because I saw a roadblock in front of me and I’m so tired of roadblocks.

I called the lawyer. We talked briefly on the phone. He said in the interest of saving my credit rating and not risking the townhouse going into foreclosure, I should stay until he has a job or we put it up for sale. Roadblock. But I made an appointment, I’m seeing him this afternoon. I’m filing for divorce today. Step Forward. I searched my files at home, I could not find the one document I need to file, a certified copy of my marriage certificate. I know we have 3 copies of this, none are to be found. So before seeing the lawyer I will be driving an hour out of the way to go to my home town’s town hall to get a copy, then driving an hour and a half to the lawyers office. So I drove through that roadblock.

Oh last weekend when I wanted to be looking at another apartment, I ended up spending the day getting new tires and brakes for my car. An expensive reminder that I will be in charge of my car’s maintenance and that I probably always was. I’m not a car girl, outside of liking to drive too fast and watching Top Gear (hence why BBC America is a require channel on my TV) I don’t know enough about what needs to be done to a car. I can pump gas, top off wiper fluid and oil. I even know how to read the dipstick. But everything else, I am at the mercy of mechanics.

I plan on taking the last week of this month to pack up everything I can for my future move. I know some things can’t be packed yet as I will still be using them but I can make a serious dent, then we both will have a better idea of what we will need to buy when we go our separate ways. I am hoping by the end of next month to be moving. I can only live there so much longer before I seriously think about moving in with my parents. And as I told him, I can tell that seeing me everyday is not helping him deal or move on. We both need this to end.

It’s been a busy week.

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