One thing I know about me: I will give up my own happiness for someone else’s happiness.
I know this. I can recognize when I’m doing it. I can’t figure out how to stop myself from doing it though. When I was little my mother would tell me I’m being selfish about whatever. I took that to heart I guess and I have avoided selfish behavior all my adult life. Even when I do something that is just for me, I make sure that no one else is inconvenienced. I have many friends telling me it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do something for myself and be selfish. Then I have other friends who make me feel guilty because my happiness will cause someone else pain. The idea of hurting anyone on purpose stabs at me like a knife in the heart, I’m not doing this because I feel a little unhappy, I’m doing this because I haven’t been happy for years and that unhappiness has turned into a depression. I know all the reasons and I know what I have to do but once I look at him and I see him sad in anyway, I fear I will back down again and give up on my own happiness. No matter what I do I will let down people. I will either let down people who want me stand up for myself and take the steps to be happy or I will let down people who think I’m being haste and selfish. Either way I let myself down, either I gave in and will never leave or I acted selfishly and hurt someone I do care about.
I wish I could convince myself completely that it’s ok to be selfish, it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do this. But people will be hurt and it will be all my fault.
OK.. take a deep breath and remember one important thing… you can NEVER make everyone happy. It is impossible. The hard thing is, you are choosing to make it you who gets to be unhappy.
Sylvanus knows better than I how to suddenly put your foot down and be ok with taking your own happiness. After all, he did this not too long ago. Angry and resentful at the way he was living HIS life FOR others, he made a change. Not an easy one, but in the end.. he has no regrets.
If you continue to sacrifice your happiness with others, one day you will explode. One day you will feel much resentment and anger at your own life.
Sweetie, I learned a few years ago and have tried to live like this ever since, that you only have one life here. You only get one chance at happiness in your lifetime. You have to make the most of what you have today, because who knows if tomorrow will ever come? You don’t want to be staring back at your life and thinking, “Wow, I sacrificed everything.. and for what?”
i am a huge people pleaser myself so i totally empathize with you. however, one thing i’ve learned, especially through my job, is that you can’t save the world and you can’t make everyone happy. there is only so much one person can do and it may just take some time to reevaluate if what you two are doing is working and, if not, what you two can do to make things better [emphasis being on two, because relationships are a two-way street].
This is going to sound sadder than it is. A few years ago I was suffering from one of my typical bouts of insomnia and I was up in the middle of the night channel surfing. I found myself watching a PBS special, you know the ones where they have a motivational speaker on and then they break in every 15 minutes to beg for money. I don’t remember who it was because it was late and I was delirious (plus I am dubious re self-hate stuff, in general) but the speaker said something that completely clicked with me – when a plane is going down, you MUST put your own oxygen mask on first. You cannot try to help your loved ones with their masks until your mask is tightly secured. Likewise, you can’t be there for anyone in your life unless you help yourself first. That means making sure you are happy and healthy and cared for. Everyone else has to come after you.