It’s my own personal demons I’m not so sure about.
As I look at the mess my marriage has become and I think about calling it quits fears jump out at me when I least expect it. I could be enjoying the day then out of nowhere one hits. I start to panic and dwell on it, I start to wonder if maybe I am all wrong and this is as good as it gets… or as good as I deserve.
I fear that I will be forever single. I remember back before I reconnected with the Prince and I had a long string of failed relationships. I was too clingy, too distance, too demanding, too self-sufficent, too something that either made them leave or made me leave.
I fear that he will forever be single. Yes, I worry about him and his feelings. I don’t have kids to worry after, all I have is him and even though he doesn’t make me happy, I want him to be happy. I know I am hurting him. The last time I tried to leave I backed down, he was crying, he was saying I was everything he ever wanted, I agreed to give it another try. I can’t back down again, we tried and I am more unhappy than I ever was.
I fear that the failure is all mine. I know that it takes two to make things work and for 12 years I was doing it all for both of us. When I needed that shoulder to cry on, that person there to take care of me, he wasn’t there. I can’t let that go. The marriage counsellor said I need to forget the past and move on. I can’t. Things happened that can’t be fixed. I will never have children. He can’t make up for the fact that I don’t feel like I can rely on him to remember to do the simplest things. This is something that has bothered me from the start. I would ask him to do something, let’s say take out the garbage, he would nod and say he would, then a day goes by, I ask again, later that day I ask a third time and I get yelled at for nagging him and I end up out at the dumpster myself. Because of this I learned not to rely on him for anything so I take care of everything. Which leads to…
I fear I’m too self-sufficent to really need anyone else in my life. I know that sounds silly, but I want to need someone. I want to feel like I need another person to make it through the day and I want them to need me too. Isn’t that what a relationship is? Isn’t part of it being able to show the other person the part of you that needs them?
I fear that I have unreason expectations. I’m not a 20 year old not sure of who I want or what about them would attract me. I’m in my 40’s, I know what I want and while I will be flexible on somethings, there are other things I won’t bend on. Will this lead me to start rejecting would be suitors left and right and not giving any of them a chance? I have a long past of doing that before, hence all the failed relationships. I don’t want to be that girl again, the one that was once described by an ex-boyfriend as “She’s fun to play with but not the type you marry”
I fear I’m giving up everything for nothing. That’s the big one. Going into the unknown, starting over from scratch. All I know is I only have myself to fall back on. And in the end I could be doing the one thing to find my happiness again, or the biggest mistake ever.
Is it wrong to comment on my own post?
Sorry about the rambling… I had organized thoughts on this once, but something made them all disorganized.
Guess what, you’re totally normal. These are all the fears we all go through when making this decision. It feels like quitting when we said “til death do us part” so you question whether you really should be leaving.
I can only speak from my personal experience but as scary as it is, as many times as we tried to work it out, it just wasn’t going to happen. When I finally said those words “I want a divorce” and didn’t back down it was amazing the weight that was lifted. I’d find myself smiling in the car on the way to work for no other reason than the relief of being free.
For me, its been five years and I’m fighting that battle of being ‘too self sufficient’. In terms of the necessities, I provide for myself and I do it pretty well I think. The guy that will come into my life will have to add to it in more intangible but more meaningful ways. Friendship and love and communication.
I’m finding that if you enjoy who you are, others will enjoy it too. If they don’t, then you need to look at minimizing their role in your life. There is no shame in wanting love and respect in your life. That is NOT unreasonable.
Its not for nothing, its for a whole lot of new possibilities. Taking back your life and steering in a direction that you want to go in.
Sorry, hope that helps and wasn’t too long winded.
*sings* It’s your post and you comment if you want to
i think the crux of your situation is that last sentence and, unfortunately, there’s no way to look into the future. So, then it’s a matter of staying with the security of what you already know or taking a leap and seeing where you land. i wish i had an answer but i’m sure you’ll figure something out in time *hugs*
I wish there was an easy answer for this. The unknown is scary, but even scarier is wondering “what if” 30 years later. It is important to try to forget the past and focus on WHY you’re unhappy, then determine if those things can be improved upon in your current situation.
I hate how psychologists are quick to tell you you need to let it go in order to move on. Well, maybe that is true, but sometimes you can’t just let some things go. And that’s ok. That just means things can’t be repaired and you need to move on.
I too went through one failed relationship after another. I too became quite independent and didn’t think I could count on anyone. I too did everything. But you know what, one day, someone does walk into your world that suddenly makes you want to need and you do need them. Now, there are still times where I am insanely independent, and this has hurt my submission, but I need Sylvanus very much in my life and it helps knowing I can lean on him for anything.