Maybe it’s the holiday, maybe it’s because I hate hurting people, maybe I’m scared to be happy… who knows but right now I am more unsure of myself than I have been in a long time. I know I’m guilty of hiding my feelings to protect him, little by little I have been letting them out and I can see the injured puppy look in his eyes. What am I doing? He doesn’t deserve this or does he? Do I have to be someone I don’t like to be the person I want to be in the end? I don’t like thinking of myself as an uncaring bitch but that is how I feel when I take steps to protect my happiness. I find myself in a cycle of standing up for myself then backing down once I see that I hurt him. I even try to come up with compromises but he doesn’t want to hear them. If I don’t agree with him, he goes off and mopes and I feel worse. So I fake my smile and try to accept the situation and live day to day.
One thing recently that has me questioning everything is finding out a friend has been lying to protect my feelings and it’s failing miserably. Finding out I’ve been lied to hurts worse than if I was just told the truth. I’m not one to turn my back and walk away from anyone no matter what. It’s not in my nature, I can’t do it. I still think of this person as a friend. And now I wonder if I am such a bad judge of people that I would allow myself to be friends with people who will hurt me or take advantage of me on purpose. Or I just hope that I can touch that small amount of good in a person in a way that they won’t treat me badly. Maybe I’m not safe outside the castle, I should just stay put, happiness be damned and just be safe from the outside world. Maybe it’s time to add a new monster to the moat and raise the drawbridge.
But how is what this friend has done to me any different than what I am doing to the Prince? I am lying about my feelings, my desires and my wants to make it easier for him to live day to day. And when I let him know a little of the truth I see the hurt in him that I feel now about my friend. How is what I’m doing not a thousand times worse? I’m lying to man I stood at an altar with and made promises to, promises I don’t believe in anymore.
So I will be wearing my Princess smile and waving to the crowds for now.
I’m a strong believer that if you’re not happy then no one around you will be happy. It may seem differently but it’s all a persona we’re taught early in life. Once someone finds out that you’ve been lying or faking something those thoughts don’t go away. He may seem like he’s moved on but lingering is the realization that you aren’t happy with how things are. And honestly, not being willing to accept a compromise shows a selfishness that is only going to perpetuate things until things become bitter and bloody.
I don’t think I can avoid the bitter, let’s hope to avoid the bloody.
Sorry to hear that you’re going through such a rough time. Hang in there. It’s a very confusing time.
I feel your pain. I am a wicked wicked witch because I feel like it will make the split easier or him if I am undesirable. I do not like to behave this way, but it’s the only thing I can do to try and protect the feelings of the man I used to love so much more.
It’s not that I don’t love him still, but I am no longer in love or attracted to him and I am desperate for him to feel the same feelings for me … as if that will make this all work out in the long run.
We often hear what goes around comes around … well, perhaps karma is stepping in a bit here to show you how it feels. That doesn’t mean you should stop wishing for a new fairy tale … think of it as a lesson – you will become stronger as a result of this. I promise you will.
One day at a time is all anyone can manage.
I think I realize I’m never going to get him to feel the same way about me as I do for him or at least not to get him to admit it to himself. I know you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t want to. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try.
We will get through this. We will be happier someday.