4 words, 13 letters, can have more emotions tied to them than the 3 words and 8 letters we all want ot hear. These 4 words no one wants to hear… or say. But I said them.
I was home sick yesterday. The night before I couldn’t sleep. I felt like my insides were empty and the cloud of nothingness that had been trailing behind me had finally consumed me. I knew if I didn’t do it and didn’t do it soon I would be lost. I spent the day at home alone relaxed for the first time in a long time. I slept, I cried, I thought over everything. I had thought I pulled myself together when he got home but there I sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him. Maybe if he didn’t spend extra time outside after puling into the garage I would have been fine and just faked the happiness I had been for two years. But he was clearing snow and ice and after 10 minutes I was a wreck again. He walked into the house and saw me sitting there.
“How do you feel?”
“As good as I ever will”
“What does that mean?”
I looked at him, tears welling up in my eyes “Physically I’m fine, but just for now I’m depressed and you know it.”
“Depressed? Why?”
He really hadn’t noticed? Everyone who meets me knows it, friends who are 1500 miles away know it, how can he not notice? “I am tired of faking it, I’m tired of playing happy”
“What is wrong?”
“You know what is wrong. It’s been wrong for two years, you know this.”
The look on his face wasn’t shock, wasn’t pain, it was nothing. Two years ago I said to him that I think we need to start marriage counselling and he claims that was his wake up call. He apparently hit snooze and now the alarm is going off again.
“What are you saying?” He begged. He wanted to hear the words. The words I didn’t want to say but I knew I had to.
“I want a divorce.”
At that moment I felt a weight lift off of me, my heart started beating again, the knife in my stomach had gone, I started to feel like me again.
What followed was tears, anger, blame, shouting, emotional dumping…
“I’ve done everything I could to make you happy” he kept saying
When he would listen again I told him “Only I can make myself happy. I have spent the last 41 years of my life trying to make everyone around me happy and I get nothing from it. I have to do it for me first.”
I have taken the steps to learning to be selfish and he didn’t like that at all. I pointed out that he had things that made him happy and I had things that made me happy but we did them alone without the other person involved at all. I followed him from room to room, then just stayed onthe same floor with him. Finally he went to take a bath, I gave him alone time, when he got done I asked him how he was. He hugged me and begged me to try again, to give him another chance, to not leave him. He asked me to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" he thinks this is a communications problem. I told a friend this and she said "Princesses* are from Jupiter". Maybe that’s true, maybe I’m from another planet altogether because I am married to a great guy, ask anyone who has met him. But it isn’t enough.
I set up the guestroom bed while he was in the bath. I told him I assumed he would want me to sleep there and he told me that he never wanted me to. He apologized that we had separate hobbies, I told him we have more than separate hobbies, we have separate lives. We are two people living in the same house, sharing the same bed and we don’t know each other. He said he didn’t want to lose his friend, I told him I lost mine after we got married, maybe someday we will be friends again but we aren’t going to be as long as we are married.
I told him I wanted to go take a bath too, I did and when I was done he was online playing with his buddies. I got onto my computer in another room, talked to a few friends and took care of some online work I had to do. I know he won’t tell anyone, I told several people. It’s how we both communicate and deal with things. I turn to friends for support, he turns to friends for distraction.
I slept in the master bedroom last night. I know it’s possible for 2 people to share a king size bed and not know the other one is there. This morning when he left for work, I saw him in the hall, I was still in bed. He was standing there trying to figure out what to do. He normally would kiss my forehead and say “I love you” instead he went downstairs and left.
I know I may never hear those three words again. I hear them from friends but that’s not the context I mean. I have no delusions of there being a Mr. Right out there for me. Right now, all I want is to look at the woman in the mirror and tell her I love her. Lately I haven’t recognized her, I haven’t even liked her.
Today at work I will tell my boss, I will call my real estate lawyer find out if his office handles divorce or if he can give me a referral. I will talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what lies ahead. I will also call my company’s Employee Assistance Program and find a therapist. Even though I feel fine right now, I don’t want that cloud of nothingness to take over again. I asked him to see someone too, I don’t know if he will.
This Fairytale has ended, but the new book hasn’t started yet. I’m stuck in an Epilogue right now.
*Friend really used my name here
Hang in there, P. Honestly, reading your post jarred so many of my own feelings and memories from my marriage. I will admit that I played the role of your husband – Ostrich – head in the sand. But, I’m glad to see you taking the steps you need to take. It’s going to be an adjustment period for both of you. Hang in there and know that I’m just a phone call or tweet away.
Thank you, I told the boss and the co-worker who covers for me. I need to get work done but I hope to have a name of a lawyer before the end of the day. It’s hard for me to be selfish and to hurt someone intentionally and that is exactly what I have to do. Expect phone calls and visits and “I need retail therapy NOW!” kind of outings.
*hugs*
This is tough, because there are so many things one could say here, and all of them need to be said, but it’s impossible know what to say first.
I’ve been through that moment, as the person initiating the divorce. It takes enormous courage, brings enormous relief and sorrow, leaves one sad, but brings a sliver of hope. A tremendously difficult phase has begun, but it is something that needs to be done. It feels impossible to be understood, and you don’t even know if that’s what you want.
Take care of yourself, and reach out as much as possible to others. I will be thinking of you.
Thank you, I do feel like the worse is behind but there is more ahead of me. I guess this is the eye of the storm. I’ll scream out if I feel like I’m drowning, no more trying to do it all on my own. I have a good network of people who have been there, I’m grateful for them
He told you to read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?!?! OMG… You know what? I read that when I was like in my teens to see if it would improve my relationship… it didn’t. *sigh* That was one of the hard parts… of actually saying something. Things will get rough, but hopefully the support of your friends will make things better.
Thank you, I know that men and women process things differently, I don’t see how one book will fix 14 years of problems. I’m lucky to have the friends I do to lean on for support and to keep me focused on me.
I think that without loving yourself, or even just being able tolerate yourself, that it puts a very big anchor on you when you try to love others. And that’s not blame being put on either side in how you fell out of love with yourself. Sometimes these things just happen. I think the therapy will help you cut the anchor loose and hopefully he follows suit to aid you in the healing process as a friend. The idle words of an author in a book will not help that, but the customized words of a friend will. You know where to find me.
I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to feel good about me, it’s hard when I know I had to hurt someone else to get here. And he’s hurting, I see it when I look at him. When I don’t think about that I’m begining to see in me the person I once like, who knows maybe I will love her again.