So I’m sleeping in the guest room. I’ve gotten used to the futon and sleep pretty well, only waking once a night when I pinch something and lose feeling in a hand.
Yesterday The Prince sent me an ecard saying he’s sorry and asking for forgiveness. This is not a forgiveness issue. He’s had his chance, time’s up, game’s over. He wants me to move back to the Master Bedroom because he misses me. I thought about this and it comes down to this one thing. Moving back there is for him, not for me. I get no happiness from it, only he does. So I’m not.
Which brings up something else I’ve noticed in my life. I am a generous person. If you are a friend and ask for help, I will do what I can to help and drop what I’m doing, if I can, to do so. All I expect in return is friendship, nothing more. How long it will take isn’t a concern for me, because this is for a friend. But lately I noticed I have friends who on the surface seem to be taking advantage of this. Who when I need a friend to lean on, a friend to just talk to, a friend to distract me or encourage me, I get told they are busy, need to work on something else or just don’t even reply to me. I understand that being busy happens. I’m not expecting to be the top priority in anyone’s life. But if I’m the first person you think of when you need a favor, why am I not high enough on the list to at least check on once in awhile?
So here’s the dilemma: With the Prince everyone has told me I have to stand up for me and stop doing things to make him happy if it isn’t making me happy. Do I do the same with friends? The next time a favor request comes my way, even if it’s something that will take me no time to do, do I just say “No, there is nothing in it for me.” This is not in my nature. I don’t have a lot of people I can call a friend, few I can talk to about this, fewer still who have been here and understand what I’m going through. Saying no, turning my back on a friend in need, isn’t in my nature. But now more than ever I’m seeing what it looks like when I’m being taken advantage of. What would you do?
I’m a people pleaser too so I understand your dilemma. I think you can still be a helpful friend while setting boundaries with those who seem to take advantage of you. I wish you luck and I’ll loan you a little extra backbone whenever you need it.
Can we blame our mothers for making us like this? Thanks, I’ll let you know what I need that backbone.
I went through a lot of the same cycle when I went through my divorce. When do your own needs take precedence? Why do you give so much when it can just empty you when you get nothing in return?
Eventually, what I found is that the habit of being so generous cheapens friendship. It is tough to have someone as a friend when you ask so little of them. I found I had very very few friends indeed, and it was a deeply painful realization.
I think, though, that rather than taking that in absolutes, you should take people as they come. Not all people are worth bailing out of jail, and not all people are worth loaning money, too. At some level, you have to make that choice about what these people are worth to you, because, as you’ve seen, the generosity you give does not come for free, it comes a finite well in you.
Maybe I was falsely hoping I could still maintain the kind generous part of myself that most people know while having to be cold and heartless at home to get what I want at home. A friend who has been through this told me my ability to give of myself is what people love about me. I told her it’s also what makes them take advantage and pass me over so easily. I hate losing the ability to trust and take people at their word, I hope it comes back when this is over.
Your generosity is a wonderful, defining part of who you are. Unfortunately, our greatest strengths often become our greatest weaknesses. Generosity is a trait that can drain a person before they realize it’s happening. It’s kind of a symbiotic action in that generosity needs to be fed with returned generosity, or before you know it, your well runs dry.
Every once in a while, just step back to get some perspective on what you’re giving vs. what you’re receiving, and make sure that ratio is something YOU think is fair, and feel comfortable with.
I think it really comes down to a decision on an individual basis. You have to decide for yourself if someone is genuinely busy, which does come in waves and lulls like most things in life, or if they’re just a leech that you need to stop feeding. It’s a wonderful thing to give as selflessly as you do, but you’re right, there is a point where it’s no longer deserved.
Thank you, you do know me and know how hard it is for me to say no to a friend and that I don’t give up my friends very easily. Turning my back on anyone isn’t easy for me, even when they already stabbed me in it several times. I’ll get through this, the phonebook might be very small by the time this is over.