A co-worker asked me this morning “How is the divorce going?” I thought, my readers might want to know too… all 25 of you. *Princess waves hello*
The answer in a word: Complicated
Since January 20, 2009 things haven’t moved as fast as I would like but I haven’t backtracked or gone into hiding. The morning after I said those words that can’t be taken back the Prince’s company also said some words that can’t be taken back “We are laying you off”. Yes, within 16 hours he lost his wife and his job. Yes, I felt like shit about this. I was on the phone with him and for the second time during our marriage and the third time since we started dating one of us was out of work. I wanted to say the supportive “We will get through this” but I couldn’t. There is no “We” anymore, there is Him and Me. After I got off the phone with him and after I told my boss about the new circumstances, I had told him that morning that I asked for the divorce. I started texting a few friends. A few divorced friends, none of them had been in this situation exactly, all of them said “This doesn’t change anything”. They are right, it just makes it harder.
Fast Forward, you know what happened on Valentine’s Day, since then there hasn’t been a lot of movement. I’m sleeping in the guestroom and I apologize to my pasts guests for that futon, maybe for a night or two it’s not bad but after a few weeks, I’m looking at new beds. I called a lawyer who did what he could to scare the shit out of me. I told him this was amicable and he prepped me for a knock down drag out fight. Yes, I’m realistic here, it could happen, but I know the Prince and I truly believe it won’t happen that way. You can quote me on that when it starts to get ugly and say “I told you so”.
After the initial lawyer call and realizing that this is our divorce and we are the ones to decide if it’s ugly or not, I told the Prince that I don’t want his money, I don’t want his 401K or Pension, I don’t want to hand over 3 years of financials to some lawyer. So I started writing up a draft of what I want the divorce settlement to be. Two plans one if the Prince finds a job and can keep the house, the other if he can’t. I need to get together all the monthly expenses for him too so he knows how much it costs to keep the house running. Also I need to finish the taxes. If you can’t tell over the last 14+ years, I handled the money for us. As for the lawyer, he requires 10 hours upfront as a retainer. If any of you have faced being laid off and having a large severance check in your savings account and only spending it as needed, you can imagine how hard it would be for me to part with that kind of money. Yes, best case the Prince finds work soon and using one month’s worth of household expenses for a lawyer is no big deal, but if he doesn’t that’s one month that could have gone toward paying the mortgage and other bills. I’m torn as to what to do about the lawyer. As a friend mentioned in her blog, finding the cheapest lawyer around might not be a good idea.
On the upside I did go away for a weekend and see a dear friend who has been extremely supportive over the 2 years I have known her. We had a great time together and I saw that there is a light at the end of this long divorce tunnel. She’s also keeping my spirits up during the financial uncertainty that is before me.
There is also the notification process that has become a problem. The Prince doesn’t want to tell his parents, because of this he won’t tell his friends and I can’t tell my parents. My friends and co-workers know, I am not having the trouble here, he is. I can’t tell my family as they live in the same town with his family and in all honesty I don’t want one of them to slip up if they run into them a the Post Office. And as for his friends, we are going out to dinner with them next weekend. The car rides will be quiet but I will put on my Princess smile and pretend… again. This will be the last time though. If you have ever had to do the pretending you know that after awhile you can’t pretend anymore and cracks in the facade start to show.
So that’s the update, sorry if it’s a little scrambled writing while at work probably isn’t the smartest thing to do since there are too many distractions… that said they just refilled the candy dish.
Hey ~ thanks for the cross reference! Check your link to One Date Wonder, though.
Why doesn’t he want to tell his parents? He needs too. That’s just going to get more complicated. Tell him you are telling yours, and if word spreads, he won’t want them to find out by “word of mouth”. I know we’d all love to spare them but they need to know.
Good luck, as always.
SG
Thanks on catching the broken link, I http://’s once too often.
I think telling his parents makes it real, makes him a failure, who knows. I told him to blame me 100%, I don’t care if they hate me I won’t have to deal with them ever again. I thought through telling my parents and my brother and his wife, I don’t have problems with telling them. Telling my Grandparents will be hard. Given we barely see them and Grandpa is turning 90 this year I wouldn’t be surprised if my mother tells me not to tell them at all. My family is weird like that.
ugh. I dread lawyers. I am actually taking things into my own hands, because much like you I have handled everything for the past 15 years, Ex is not about to lend a hand in my departure though we have agreed to split amicably, and neither of us have the funds kicking around to pay someone to do paperwork for us.
A co-worker of mine filed her divorce online and while she has yet to file the paperwork with the court she suggested http://www.completecase.com. Apparently it was recommended on Oprah too.
For $500 I can file and refile if needed. I had hoped to get this done over the weekend, but I got caught up in other stuff.
I had to pretend for practically my entire relationship with Ex. It’s no fun and I wish you a quick end to the fake smiles.
First, my ex lost his job about a month after our divorce. It sucked, so I understand a little of what you’re going through. I was kind & let him delay alimony payments until he got on his feet.
Second, it will get ugly. However, the whole thing may not get ugly enough to justify needing a lawyer. Just know that when things get ugly, it’s time to take a break rather than letting it excalate.
Good luck with everything!
Thanks, I’m not looking for alimony, but if he wants the house he needs to buy me out and I’m willing to structure a payment plan for that. I am hoping for the less ugly as possible scenario. He has a friend who was actually laughing and joking with his ex-wife when they were at the lawyer’s signing the finaly paperwork. While I don’t see us being that amicable, I also don’t see us going “15 round over a wagon wheel coffeetable”