I find myself in a situation I really don’t know how to deal with. I know what I want but I’ve been locked in a dungeon and I am not strong enough to break down the door.
I want the divorce, he agreed not to fight me on it but no matter what I keep running in to that door. I run the numbers, I can tell him how much it would cost to stay in this house by himself, I can tell him all I want from the divorce settlement, but why bother? He still doesn’t have a job. He can’t stay here without one. Making him homeless is nowhere on my list of things I want to do. Selling this house would wipe out all our debts and give us both enough money in the bank to start over pretty well, but I can’t really suggest that. When I look at him I see a beaten man, that would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down. Which, yes, that means if he got laid off first I would have never said anything and still be living in silent misery.
He says he’s trying to find a job but there aren’t any or he’s sending in applications and resumes but haven’t heard back. I know he is working with a headhunter and he’s called saying he’s not finding a lot of openings right now. In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He’s dragging his feet on purpose. He knows you won’t leave if he doesn’t have a job.” That voice is getting louder. I would like to believe he wouldn’t do this… but I’m not sure. I’m really not sure.
I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t. I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.
I’m not sure why you see selling the house as leaving him homeless and beaten. If it really will pay off the debts and give you both nest eggs to get started, then I would feel like that’s a big load off both your backs. There’s nothing like the weight of a mortgage when you don’t have a job, and not being tied to a house opens up many new job possibilities that otherwise aren’t convenient or even possible.
There *is* an emotional blow to leaving a house you’ve lived in; but there’s also a boost. As much as I love my old house, I find myself falling into old habits and old moods when I go back. I couldn’t have made the progress I have if I hadn’t walked away from it. That includes new job opportunities. All of mine have risen out of social interactions that would never have happened if I hadn’t moved out, and the confidence that came from being on my own was what made it possible for mr to take them on.
So I would really think hard about whether not making that move is really doing anyone any favors. Are you protecting him? Does he really need that protection? Or is it just the fact that the step is so irrevocable that you don’t want to make it?
One of the things he said to me when he agreed not to fight me on the divorce was he wanted to stay in the house. I know it seems a little crazy of me but I would like to give him the chance to do it after all I am taking away from him. I’ve already started looking at places for me to move to, closer to work and apartments I can afford on my income. If we paid off all the debts, I could more comfortably afford them but even if he finds a job and we work out a way to buy me out of my interest in this house that would help me out too. I know I’m being nice when I really don’t need to be. I don’t know how not to be.
This is why I’m thankful my ex got laid off right after our divorce. I could just say, “karma is a bitch.” I know our situations were different.
I think it’s reasonable that you back off slightly while he gets back on his feet. However, with our economy the way it is, you’ll have to draw the line at some point. Does he have family to help him through this time?
His family is fairly local but not all that supportive. Suggesting he think about moving back with them is not something I could do. When we were selling one house and buying this one we lived with my parents for five day even though his parents kept offering to let us stay there. This was his decision not mine, there has to be underlying reasons why he would put up with his mother-in-law for that long.
Part of me is thinking Karma is making me it’s bitch right now.
Worrying about what he is going to do should not be a consideration. You need to do what is best for YOU. I struggled with whether or not to file the paperwork for over a year and a half and I questioned myself time and time again… over and over. The ONLY thing that is going to get is… well.. no where.. besides continuing to be unhappy. It’s time to start fresh, make a clean break. It also might be just what he needs to get up and start fresh. Dont think of him as being “down” (in reference to your -don’t kick em when he is down – comment) …. think of him as on his knees… he is neither up nor down.. just kind of there… in the middle.. not doing one or the other. Getting knocked completely down and FORCED to do something is just what some people need in life to get them going again. You need to be concerned for you.. you are the most important thing in your life. Trying not to hurt him is not getting you anywhere… file the paperwork.. sell the house.. start your life over… make the break and just do it.
Thanks for the kick in the pants. I was thinking if I should just present him with the monthly costs for the house and tell him he has to the end of April to do something about it. I was really hoping by May to be moving into my own place. And celebrate my birthday at the end of June having filed and waiting for a judge to say it’s done. I’m will to slide the timeline a little, but not significantly.
You can most likely still proceed with the divorce and just come to some terms about the house – ie – he can keep it for six months at which time he can buy you out of it, etc. Ask your lawyer – we worked out some terms like that.
I figured we will have some kind of agreement like that, the problem is I don’t know how he will make mortgage payments if I’m making rent payments elsewhere. I’m not going to demand the buy-out money right away I am reasonable but I can’t contribute to the expenses for the house if I am on my own. I really hate money sometimes.
So, how long ARE you going to take care of him? You’ve been at it for a while.
I know it sounds incredibly callous being so short, but at some point you need to stop taking the hit for him.
I know. It’s hard to walk away after all this time and I was not brought up to think of myself first. But I know I have to. I just wish it was easier.
What do they say “Nothing worthwhile comes easy”? The second half of my life better be awesome.