Fairytales End

This is my THIRD attempt to get this blog post up, WordPress hates me I think.

So much has happened in the last week, my mind is a blur… so I am pretty sure this post will reflect that.

I looked at an apartment. A 2 bed, 2 bath in a converted mill building, exposed brick, exposed beamed ceilings, original hardwood floors, brand new everything, all the amenities I could want. This is the first of a few places that fit my needs that I will be looking at. I’m so excited with the idea of moving out and moving on with my life, I’m practically giddy when I think about it.

I opened my own bank account. First time since my early twenties that I had an account that just has my name on it. I felt like this was a major step for me. I think I twittered or texted about it a lot for an account with only a few dollars in it, but it’s mine.

He begged me not to move out. Not yet at least. He wants me to wait until he has a job. I told him I’ve been waiting for 4 months, how much longer do I have to wait? He said it’s not like he wants me to live there under duress, but how do I know that? I ask about his job search and I get grunts and shrugs. Those aren’t answers from a 40-something, those are answers from a teenager who would rather play computer games all day. That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried because I felt his frustration, I cried because I felt guilty, I cried because I felt trapped. I cried because I saw a roadblock in front of me and I’m so tired of roadblocks.

I called the lawyer. We talked briefly on the phone. He said in the interest of saving my credit rating and not risking the townhouse going into foreclosure, I should stay until he has a job or we put it up for sale. Roadblock. But I made an appointment, I’m seeing him this afternoon. I’m filing for divorce today. Step Forward. I searched my files at home, I could not find the one document I need to file, a certified copy of my marriage certificate. I know we have 3 copies of this, none are to be found. So before seeing the lawyer I will be driving an hour out of the way to go to my home town’s town hall to get a copy, then driving an hour and a half to the lawyers office. So I drove through that roadblock.

Oh last weekend when I wanted to be looking at another apartment, I ended up spending the day getting new tires and brakes for my car. An expensive reminder that I will be in charge of my car’s maintenance and that I probably always was. I’m not a car girl, outside of liking to drive too fast and watching Top Gear (hence why BBC America is a require channel on my TV) I don’t know enough about what needs to be done to a car. I can pump gas, top off wiper fluid and oil. I even know how to read the dipstick. But everything else, I am at the mercy of mechanics.

I plan on taking the last week of this month to pack up everything I can for my future move. I know some things can’t be packed yet as I will still be using them but I can make a serious dent, then we both will have a better idea of what we will need to buy when we go our separate ways. I am hoping by the end of next month to be moving. I can only live there so much longer before I seriously think about moving in with my parents. And as I told him, I can tell that seeing me everyday is not helping him deal or move on. We both need this to end.

It’s been a busy week.

Tags: Roadblocks, Steps Forward