Last week we stood in front of a judge and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She granted us the divorce.

Last weekend I spent time with good friends who all are in various stages of their divorces. We talk about a little about what happened to our marriages, but mostly we talk about what we want for our lives. Talking with them over the past year gave me the emotional support I needed to see this through. I hope that I am as much support for them as they were for me.

I have discovered different women handle their divorces differently. Some want to forget their marriages altogether, others mourn the loss of what they once had and what could have been, for me I will work on remembering the good parts and learning from the bad parts.

Carole King – It’s Too Late

There’ll be good times again for me and you
But we just can’t stay together
Don’t you feel it too
Still I’m glad for what we had
And how I once loved you

So I’ve been looking at apartments. Saw one a few months ago, reasonable distance from work, great space, price was exactly at my upper limit. Saw a place yesterday, once again beautiful, great community, very close to work, the only apartments I would fit in, too much money. Saw an apartment building today. Every unit they showed me was beautiful and I could afford even the three bedroom, which I outright said “This is too much room for me.” I narrowed it down to two units there that I really liked, really I think one is better than the other but that’s what second showings are for. The problem, it’s as far from work as I am now, just in the opposite direction. I would be happy to suffer a 45 minute commute to smile when I come home though. Tomorrow I see my father and we will talk these over. He wants to see any place I might want to rent first. Check things like security, the neighborhood, etc. You know all those things that fathers worry about when their little girl is involved. With luck I could be leaving a deposit and an application with them this week and have a move in date as soon as I want.

That’s the good news, the bad news: Telling The Prince. This will not be pretty. I do not expect him to be happy about this, I do not expect him to help me move, I do not expect anything from him. Unfortunately his attitude of late is making it easier for me not to care about his feeling. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. I care about everyone. If you are family or friend or perfect stranger, I care about your feelings. Even if you have hurt me, I care. It’s gift or a flaw depending on how you look at it. But this man I married, who has been part of my life for 28 years, has managed to get me to be apathetic toward him. Do I not care at all? No, I do still care some, but lately I have been putting my own feelings first and I don’t think he likes that. Oh well, not my problem. Someone has to put me first, might as well be me.

I really do think I’ll be alright…

Stand – Rascal Flatts

So much has happened in the last week, my mind is a blur… so I am pretty sure this post will reflect that.

I looked at an apartment. A 2 bed, 2 bath in a converted mill building, exposed brick, exposed beamed ceilings, original hardwood floors, brand new everything, all the amenities I could want. This is the first of a few places that fit my needs that I will be looking at. I’m so excited with the idea of moving out and moving on with my life, I’m practically giddy when I think about it.

I opened my own bank account. First time since my early twenties that I had an account that just has my name on it. I felt like this was a major step for me. I think I twittered or texted about it a lot for an account with only a few dollars in it, but it’s mine.

He begged me not to move out. Not yet at least. He wants me to wait until he has a job. I told him I’ve been waiting for 4 months, how much longer do I have to wait? He said it’s not like he wants me to live there under duress, but how do I know that? I ask about his job search and I get grunts and shrugs. Those aren’t answers from a 40-something, those are answers from a teenager who would rather play computer games all day. That night I cried myself to sleep. I cried because I felt his frustration, I cried because I felt guilty, I cried because I felt trapped. I cried because I saw a roadblock in front of me and I’m so tired of roadblocks.

I called the lawyer. We talked briefly on the phone. He said in the interest of saving my credit rating and not risking the townhouse going into foreclosure, I should stay until he has a job or we put it up for sale. Roadblock. But I made an appointment, I’m seeing him this afternoon. I’m filing for divorce today. Step Forward. I searched my files at home, I could not find the one document I need to file, a certified copy of my marriage certificate. I know we have 3 copies of this, none are to be found. So before seeing the lawyer I will be driving an hour out of the way to go to my home town’s town hall to get a copy, then driving an hour and a half to the lawyers office. So I drove through that roadblock.

Oh last weekend when I wanted to be looking at another apartment, I ended up spending the day getting new tires and brakes for my car. An expensive reminder that I will be in charge of my car’s maintenance and that I probably always was. I’m not a car girl, outside of liking to drive too fast and watching Top Gear (hence why BBC America is a require channel on my TV) I don’t know enough about what needs to be done to a car. I can pump gas, top off wiper fluid and oil. I even know how to read the dipstick. But everything else, I am at the mercy of mechanics.

I plan on taking the last week of this month to pack up everything I can for my future move. I know some things can’t be packed yet as I will still be using them but I can make a serious dent, then we both will have a better idea of what we will need to buy when we go our separate ways. I am hoping by the end of next month to be moving. I can only live there so much longer before I seriously think about moving in with my parents. And as I told him, I can tell that seeing me everyday is not helping him deal or move on. We both need this to end.

It’s been a busy week.

I told them.  I went to my parents and I told them.  After the inital shock and usual questions, my father went into his logical, protective but caring mode.  He loves me and I will always be his little girl so he wants to help me to be happy.  I know this, I understand this and I accept his help without thinking, like an instinct I was born with and can’t change.  He will pay for the lawyer, help me pay for a better apartment than I can afford on my own, help me move to and furnish said apartment.  I tell myself now I will pay him back when the divorce is finalized and the dust settles.  I tell myself over and over this is just a loan.  This is not a sign of weakness, just a sign that money is tight for me.  So why do I feel so bad about taking his help?  Why do I feel like I’m a child again?  Why am I afraid to let The Prince know that my father is doing all of this for me?  I know that answer I don’t need to hear it from him.  The use of “Princess” like a dirty word and reminders that I have this option while he doesn’t.

So here I am feeling guilty for my parents’ relative wealth and my feelings of weakness for not being able to do it on my own.  Then the first song I hear this morning on the radio… I remember hearing this when I was a kid thinking I liked the song, but I never thought it would apply to me.

Hall & Oates – Rich Girl

And don’t you know, don’t you know
That it’s wrong to take what he’s giving you
So far gone on your own
But you can get along if you try to be strong
But you’ll never be strong cause

I want the divorce, he agreed not to fight me on it but no matter what I keep running in to that door.  I run the numbers, I can tell him how much it would cost to stay in this house by himself, I can tell him all I want from the divorce settlement, but why bother?  He still doesn’t have a job.  He can’t stay here without one.  Making him homeless is nowhere on my list of things I want to do.  Selling this house would wipe out all our debts and give us both enough money in the bank to start over pretty well, but I can’t really suggest that.  When I look at him I see a beaten man, that would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down.  Which, yes, that means if he got laid off first I would have never said anything and still be living in silent misery.

He says he’s trying to find a job but there aren’t any or he’s sending in applications and resumes but haven’t heard back.  I know he is working with a headhunter and he’s called saying he’s not finding a lot of openings right now.  In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He’s dragging his feet on purpose. He knows you won’t leave if he doesn’t have a job.” That voice is getting louder.  I would like to believe he wouldn’t do this… but I’m not sure.  I’m really not sure.

I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t.  I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.

My highly unscientific survey has found that people walk out of there either:

1. Realizing there has never been anything attractive about the other person and filing for divorce immediately
2. Not feeling any different about their partner, nothing got fixed and end up getting a divorce
3. For the first time in a long time agreeing with their partner about one thing: They hate the counsellor
4. One person feels like progress has been made and the other feels like they were just run over by a stream-roller

Apparently #3 is the best case a few couples went from there and are still together. My marriage fell into #4 and I ended up ‘Flat Princess’.  While we did agree we hated her, I hated her for making me feel like shit, he hated her for making me cry every week, we weren’t in enough agreement there to fix any problems.  The counsellor actually said I need to learn to express myself better. <insert visual of my friends with their jaws dropped and looking stunned>  She said I was closing off my feeling and that the Prince wasn’t a mind reader. (ummm WHAT?!?!?)  People who barely know me can tell when I’m upset, sad, happy or have a headache, but I’m too closed off for the man who has known me since I was 15 to figure this stuff out?  And trust me the man who sat next to me on that couch was not the man I married, he was channeling Dr. Phil or something, he actually was making suggestions on what the counsellor should be saying to better get through to me.  He was using his spare time to search for websites on the internet that would help him talk to the counsellor in her own language, I felt like I was getting hit from every side.  I did learn the word “Organic” as in “He says he’s changed but it doesn’t feel organic to me, only forced.”  That’s all I got out of it.

So now I have a few friends, who I know mean well, suggesting I go to counselling for myself.  I listen to them and they share that they have gone through it or are still seeing a counsellor and it’s really helping them.  I hear what they are saying but all I can think of are those sessions from hell I went through.  I know I have trust issues, I know I have issues being a doormat, I know I have issues putting myself first.  I also have a distrust of counsellors, something about getting paid per visit to help me fix what’s in my head.  Where is their incentive when once I feel better I stop visiting and they stop taking my money?  Ok, I’m having the same problem with lawyers who get paid hourly, how do I know he won’t be working slower just to drain my bank account?  Did I mention trust issues?

They tried to make me go to counselling, I said no, no. no…

Apologies to Amy Winehouse

Odd fact spell checkers keep saying “internet” is spelled wrong, they want to capitalize it or hyphenate it.

The answer in a word: Complicated

Since January 20, 2009 things haven’t moved as fast as I would like but I haven’t backtracked or gone into hiding.  The morning after I said those words that can’t be taken back the Prince’s company also said some words that can’t be taken back “We are laying you off”.  Yes, within 16 hours he lost his wife and his job.  Yes, I felt like shit about this.  I was on the phone with him and for the second time during our marriage and the third time since we started dating one of us was out of work.  I wanted to say the supportive “We will get through this” but I couldn’t.  There is no “We” anymore, there is Him and Me.  After I got off the phone with him and after I told my boss about the new circumstances, I had told him that morning that I asked for the divorce. I started texting a few friends.  A few divorced friends, none of them had been in this situation exactly, all of them said “This doesn’t change anything”.  They are right, it just makes it harder.

Fast Forward, you know what happened on Valentine’s Day, since then there hasn’t been a lot of movement.  I’m sleeping in the guestroom and I apologize to my pasts guests for that futon, maybe for a night or two it’s not bad but after a few weeks, I’m looking at new beds.  I called a lawyer who did what he could to scare the shit out of me.  I told him this was amicable and he prepped me for a knock down drag out fight.  Yes, I’m realistic here, it could happen, but I know the Prince and I truly believe it won’t happen that way.  You can quote me on that when it starts to get ugly and say “I told you so”.

After the initial lawyer call and realizing that this is our divorce and we are the ones to decide if it’s ugly or not, I told the Prince that I don’t want his money, I don’t want his 401K or Pension, I don’t want to hand over 3 years of financials to some lawyer.  So I started writing up a draft of what I want the divorce settlement to be.  Two plans one if the Prince finds a job and can keep the house, the other if he can’t.  I need to get together all the monthly expenses for him too so he knows how much it costs to keep the house running.  Also I need to finish the taxes.  If you can’t tell over the last 14+ years, I handled the money for us.  As for the lawyer, he requires 10 hours upfront as a retainer.  If any of you have faced being laid off and having a large severance check in your savings account and only spending it as needed, you can imagine how hard it would be for me to part with that kind of money.  Yes, best case the Prince finds work soon and using one month’s worth of household expenses for a lawyer is no big deal, but if he doesn’t that’s one month that could have gone toward paying the mortgage and other bills.  I’m torn as to what to do about the lawyer.  As a friend mentioned in her blog, finding the cheapest lawyer around might not be a good idea.

On the upside I did go away for a weekend and see a dear friend who has been extremely supportive over the 2 years I have known her.   We had a great time together and I saw that there is a light at the end of this long divorce tunnel.  She’s also keeping my spirits up during the financial uncertainty that is before me.

There is also the notification process that has become a problem.  The Prince doesn’t want to tell his parents, because of this he won’t tell his friends and I can’t tell my parents.  My friends and co-workers know, I am not having the trouble here, he is.  I can’t tell my family as they live in the same town with his family and in all honesty I don’t want one of them to slip up if they run into them a the Post Office.   And as for his friends, we are going out to dinner with them next weekend.  The car rides will be quiet but I will put on my Princess smile and pretend… again.  This will be the last time though. If you have ever had to do the pretending you know that after awhile you can’t pretend anymore and cracks in the facade start to show. 

So that’s the update, sorry if it’s a little scrambled writing while at work probably isn’t the smartest thing to do since there are too many distractions… that said they just refilled the candy dish.

Valentine’s 2009

Unexpectedly good… in a very non-Valentine’s way.

To start the story I need to back up to 2 days before.  The Prince and I talked, argued, cried, fought.  He realized it’s really over, no more denying it, nothing can be done that will make up for all the reasons we are where we are today.  I felt a little better because he was accepting, but I felt worse because he hated me.  I don’t hate him, I do love him but not enough to be married to him.  Sleep that night was almost non-existent.  Friday I was at work, feeling a little better, knowing he was accepting what was going to happen, but still upset that when I got home the person there would rather me not be there.  I called home twice during the day, it went straight to the answering machine.  I was going to run errands that night but I was worried what was going to greet me when I got there.  I walked in, he was there talking to friend while playing a game.  I asked why he didn’t pick up the phone he said he had nothing to say to me.  I went to take a nap as I was exhausted from no sleep the night before.  He was going to dinner with the guys, most of whom we have known for over 20 years. I found out he didn’t drive, I assumed he was planning on drinking and I hoped he would just pass out when he got home.  He got home late and we went to our separate rooms.

At 3:35am, he comes to my door. “You alseep?”

“No”

“Want to talk?”

“About what?”

“Everything”

He got me to go into the Master bedroom and lay down. (I miss that pillow top mattress and my perfect pillow) He said he realized that nothing will change my mind and he could either be a prick about it or accept it and do this the easy way, if there is such a thing.  The night out one of the guys revealed that he and his wife of 14 years are 2 months from having their divorce finalized and he saw his buddy chose to be angry and bitter the whole time.  His friend had also taken to screwing anything he came across as a way to deal with his divorce.  The Prince saw that he could end up the same way and he didn’t like it at all.  He said he would like to keep the house and he wanted me to list out everything I wanted to take with me.  He wants to sit down and figure out how much it would cost to keep this place and if he could do it.  When he found a new job.

Side note: I didn’t blog this but the morning after I asked for the divorce, his company of 10 years laid him off.

I told him I talked to our real estate lawyer and got the name of two lawyers and I was going to call one Monday morning and make an appointment.  I told him if he wasn’t going to fight me on this we don’t need two lawyers getting rich off of us and he agreed.  We talked, in the dark, laying in ‘our’ bed with a cat between us, talked out logistic stuff, a little financial stuff and cried a bit.  I slept in that bed the rest of the night, more like passed out I was so very tired.

In the morning we had to get up and go to my parents.  He asked me if we could avoid talking about the divorce for the day, he is still getting his head around it, I agreed.  Also our families don’t know yet and today was not the day to drop the bomb on them.  We were going to my parents’ house to get my niece and spend the day with her, as promised for her birthday 3 weeks earlier.  We had a good day with her, she exhausted us both.  We came home and instead of going to our separate computers, which we were both too tired to do, we watched a movie (‘Zach and Miri” even though they sanitized the title for the video shelves, it’s a good movie, of course it is, it’s a Kevin Smith movie)  ate popcorn, and I started knitting him a hat for the St. Patrick’s Day parade he’s marching in.  I think because I am still willing to knit that hat for him and I never raised my voice at him or did anything out of anger and hatred he knows I still love him and care for him but I need this so I can love myself again.

I know there are many more steps to take, but he isn’t going to fight me.  When it comes to possessions, they are just things.  What’s important is moving on and starting over.  I hope to meet with the lawyer this week, find out the steps we need to take in this state and get the ball rolling.

Next weekend I will be out of town visiting a friend who I need to see more often, it’s been over a year and she’s been the support and encouragement and occasionally an annoying pit bull helping me push through and not lose my focus.  He will be seeing a large portion of our friends, mostly his friends, the guys we went to high school with.  They remained friends with him for over 25 years.  So all of them and their wives will be there.  He told me about this gathering and I slipped and said “Will you tell them?” and corrected myself quickly with “I mean Will you be going?” (I was trying to honor his request not to bring it up during the day with the niece) He said “Yes and Yes”.  I’m sure I’m losing a few friends once he says it, and a few will try to keep in contact with me but since they don’t talk to me normally, I know that won’t last long.

So Monday morning when asked “What did you do for Valentine’s?” I will answer “Agreed on our divorce” I love making people uncomfortable.

Yesterday The Prince sent me an ecard saying he’s sorry and asking for forgiveness.  This is not a forgiveness issue. He’s had his chance, time’s up, game’s over.  He wants me to move back to the Master Bedroom because he misses me.  I thought about this and it comes down to this one thing.  Moving back there is for him, not for me.  I get no happiness from it, only he does. So I’m not.

Which brings up something else I’ve noticed in my life. I am a generous person.  If you are a friend and ask for help, I will do what I can to help and drop what I’m doing, if I can, to do so.  All I expect in return is friendship, nothing more.  How long it will take isn’t a concern for me, because this is for a friend.  But lately I noticed I have friends who on the surface seem to be taking advantage of this.  Who when I need a friend to lean on, a friend to just talk to, a friend to distract me or encourage me, I get told they are busy, need to work on something else or just don’t even reply to me.  I understand that being busy happens.  I’m not expecting to be the top priority in anyone’s life.  But if I’m the first person you think of when you need a favor, why am I not high enough on the list to at least check on once in awhile?

So here’s the dilemma: With the Prince everyone has told me I have to stand up for me and stop doing things to make him happy if it isn’t making me happy.  Do I do the same with friends?  The next time a favor request comes my way, even if it’s something that will take me no time to do, do I just say “No, there is nothing in it for me.” This is not in my nature.  I don’t have a lot of people I can call a friend, few I can talk to about this, fewer still who have been here and understand what I’m going through. Saying no, turning my back on a friend in need, isn’t in my nature.  But now more than ever I’m seeing what it looks like when I’m being taken advantage of.  What would you do?