I want the divorce, he agreed not to fight me on it but no matter what I keep running in to that door.  I run the numbers, I can tell him how much it would cost to stay in this house by himself, I can tell him all I want from the divorce settlement, but why bother?  He still doesn’t have a job.  He can’t stay here without one.  Making him homeless is nowhere on my list of things I want to do.  Selling this house would wipe out all our debts and give us both enough money in the bank to start over pretty well, but I can’t really suggest that.  When I look at him I see a beaten man, that would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down.  Which, yes, that means if he got laid off first I would have never said anything and still be living in silent misery.

He says he’s trying to find a job but there aren’t any or he’s sending in applications and resumes but haven’t heard back.  I know he is working with a headhunter and he’s called saying he’s not finding a lot of openings right now.  In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He’s dragging his feet on purpose. He knows you won’t leave if he doesn’t have a job.” That voice is getting louder.  I would like to believe he wouldn’t do this… but I’m not sure.  I’m really not sure.

I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t.  I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.

My highly unscientific survey has found that people walk out of there either:

1. Realizing there has never been anything attractive about the other person and filing for divorce immediately
2. Not feeling any different about their partner, nothing got fixed and end up getting a divorce
3. For the first time in a long time agreeing with their partner about one thing: They hate the counsellor
4. One person feels like progress has been made and the other feels like they were just run over by a stream-roller

Apparently #3 is the best case a few couples went from there and are still together. My marriage fell into #4 and I ended up ‘Flat Princess’.  While we did agree we hated her, I hated her for making me feel like shit, he hated her for making me cry every week, we weren’t in enough agreement there to fix any problems.  The counsellor actually said I need to learn to express myself better. <insert visual of my friends with their jaws dropped and looking stunned>  She said I was closing off my feeling and that the Prince wasn’t a mind reader. (ummm WHAT?!?!?)  People who barely know me can tell when I’m upset, sad, happy or have a headache, but I’m too closed off for the man who has known me since I was 15 to figure this stuff out?  And trust me the man who sat next to me on that couch was not the man I married, he was channeling Dr. Phil or something, he actually was making suggestions on what the counsellor should be saying to better get through to me.  He was using his spare time to search for websites on the internet that would help him talk to the counsellor in her own language, I felt like I was getting hit from every side.  I did learn the word “Organic” as in “He says he’s changed but it doesn’t feel organic to me, only forced.”  That’s all I got out of it.

So now I have a few friends, who I know mean well, suggesting I go to counselling for myself.  I listen to them and they share that they have gone through it or are still seeing a counsellor and it’s really helping them.  I hear what they are saying but all I can think of are those sessions from hell I went through.  I know I have trust issues, I know I have issues being a doormat, I know I have issues putting myself first.  I also have a distrust of counsellors, something about getting paid per visit to help me fix what’s in my head.  Where is their incentive when once I feel better I stop visiting and they stop taking my money?  Ok, I’m having the same problem with lawyers who get paid hourly, how do I know he won’t be working slower just to drain my bank account?  Did I mention trust issues?

They tried to make me go to counselling, I said no, no. no…

Apologies to Amy Winehouse

Odd fact spell checkers keep saying “internet” is spelled wrong, they want to capitalize it or hyphenate it.

Yesterday The Prince sent me an ecard saying he’s sorry and asking for forgiveness.  This is not a forgiveness issue. He’s had his chance, time’s up, game’s over.  He wants me to move back to the Master Bedroom because he misses me.  I thought about this and it comes down to this one thing.  Moving back there is for him, not for me.  I get no happiness from it, only he does. So I’m not.

Which brings up something else I’ve noticed in my life. I am a generous person.  If you are a friend and ask for help, I will do what I can to help and drop what I’m doing, if I can, to do so.  All I expect in return is friendship, nothing more.  How long it will take isn’t a concern for me, because this is for a friend.  But lately I noticed I have friends who on the surface seem to be taking advantage of this.  Who when I need a friend to lean on, a friend to just talk to, a friend to distract me or encourage me, I get told they are busy, need to work on something else or just don’t even reply to me.  I understand that being busy happens.  I’m not expecting to be the top priority in anyone’s life.  But if I’m the first person you think of when you need a favor, why am I not high enough on the list to at least check on once in awhile?

So here’s the dilemma: With the Prince everyone has told me I have to stand up for me and stop doing things to make him happy if it isn’t making me happy.  Do I do the same with friends?  The next time a favor request comes my way, even if it’s something that will take me no time to do, do I just say “No, there is nothing in it for me.” This is not in my nature.  I don’t have a lot of people I can call a friend, few I can talk to about this, fewer still who have been here and understand what I’m going through. Saying no, turning my back on a friend in need, isn’t in my nature.  But now more than ever I’m seeing what it looks like when I’m being taken advantage of.  What would you do?