I know I have real life lessons to learn. I know I have more fears to face. I know I will be scared at times but I have the inner strength to survive. And when I think I don’t, there is a voice that tells me I do.

Today I got the phone call from the lawyer. In 31 days we have a court date. I knew it was coming, I thought it would just be a sit down with the judge to discuss the agreement. My lawyer told me “If we have an agreement walking in, I will get you your divorce”. In 15 days we meet in my lawyer’s office. Me, My Lawyer, The Prince’s Lawyer and The Prince. I haven’t seen him since I moved out 3 months ago. Seeing his face scares me more than anything. The last time I saw him he looked at me with such a cold stare. I need to prepare myself to see that again. I need to prepare myself for the worse and hope for the best. Until then, I will keep moving on with life.

This fairytale is coming to an end. Now to see what happens when an Ex-Princess has to fend for herself. All I can say is I really miss my maids.

Love, True Love will follow you forever, so treasure your love

- The Impressive Clergyman – Princess Bride

I realize with all my bitterness and cynicism surrounding the midpoint of the second month of the new year that some of you may think I am just an angry Princess who wouldn’t know love if it bit her in the bottom and was wearing a hat with red flashing lights.  Well, that’s not completely true.

Once upon a time there was someone and for a short time I knew what it felt like to be loved and to love completely.  I was the focus of his life as he was of mine.  He thought of me first, I was his priority and I knew this.  He didn’t have to proclaim it loudly to the world, he didn’t even need to tell me, I just knew.  He was my first thought also, everything I did I thought about him.  We were happy, we just knew this was meant to be.

Unfortunately, there was one thing that could come between us.  Even though I would give up anything for him, I knew there was one thing in his life that he couldn’t give up and if he was ever forced to chose, I would lose.  I knew this, I accept it, I hope it would never happen.  But it did.

Now, that’s not where the story gets sad, because if he just said to me that the decision had to be made, I would have bowed out, crying the whole time, but I would still have the happy memories to comfort me and the knowledge that this wasn’t what he wanted either.  But that’s not how he chose to play it out.  He chose to lie to me about it.  In his logic he wanted me to move on and find someone else and be happy again, so to do that I needed to hate him first.  He started to cut off contact, telling me he was busy all the time, telling me he didn’t have time for me.  He started doing things that he knew would make me angry then eventually he told me he cheated on me because the thought I cheated on him, which I didn’t.  He told me this was who he really was and the months before were lies.

I refused to believe it.  How could I be so wrong about everything? How could my judge of character be so misguided.  I fell apart.  I didn’t know what was lies and what was truths.  And to this day I really don’t know.  He later told me that he did lie because he wanted me to move on with my life and he wasn’t a smart enough man to find another way to do it.  While he didn’t push me away the way he thought, he tainted every happy memory I had.  Even now I think back to some of those times, I smile briefly, then I remember how horrible it all went.

I have never before felt so loved and not since.  Maybe it’s true, you get one chance at true love and when it’s gone, it’s gone.  But if this was my one true love, why did it have to end so badly?  Until I asked for my divorce, I did what I could to not remember this relationship, then one night I realized this was the kind of love you marry for, and I didn’t.

True love,  In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, “I was adored once too.”

- Gareth – Four Weddings and a Funeral