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An Unexpected Valentine’s

Feb 15th, 2009 by Exprincess

Now to add what happened on Valentine’s 2009 to my list.

Valentine’s 2009

Unexpectedly good… in a very non-Valentine’s way.

To start the story I need to back up to 2 days before.  The Prince and I talked, argued, cried, fought.  He realized it’s really over, no more denying it, nothing can be done that will make up for all the reasons we are where we are today.  I felt a little better because he was accepting, but I felt worse because he hated me.  I don’t hate him, I do love him but not enough to be married to him.  Sleep that night was almost non-existent.  Friday I was at work, feeling a little better, knowing he was accepting what was going to happen, but still upset that when I got home the person there would rather me not be there.  I called home twice during the day, it went straight to the answering machine.  I was going to run errands that night but I was worried what was going to greet me when I got there.  I walked in, he was there talking to friend while playing a game.  I asked why he didn’t pick up the phone he said he had nothing to say to me.  I went to take a nap as I was exhausted from no sleep the night before.  He was going to dinner with the guys, most of whom we have known for over 20 years. I found out he didn’t drive, I assumed he was planning on drinking and I hoped he would just pass out when he got home.  He got home late and we went to our separate rooms.

At 3:35am, he comes to my door. “You alseep?”

“No”

“Want to talk?”

“About what?”

“Everything”

He got me to go into the Master bedroom and lay down. (I miss that pillow top mattress and my perfect pillow) He said he realized that nothing will change my mind and he could either be a prick about it or accept it and do this the easy way, if there is such a thing.  The night out one of the guys revealed that he and his wife of 14 years are 2 months from having their divorce finalized and he saw his buddy chose to be angry and bitter the whole time.  His friend had also taken to screwing anything he came across as a way to deal with his divorce.  The Prince saw that he could end up the same way and he didn’t like it at all.  He said he would like to keep the house and he wanted me to list out everything I wanted to take with me.  He wants to sit down and figure out how much it would cost to keep this place and if he could do it.  When he found a new job.

Side note: I didn’t blog this but the morning after I asked for the divorce, his company of 10 years laid him off.

I told him I talked to our real estate lawyer and got the name of two lawyers and I was going to call one Monday morning and make an appointment.  I told him if he wasn’t going to fight me on this we don’t need two lawyers getting rich off of us and he agreed.  We talked, in the dark, laying in ‘our’ bed with a cat between us, talked out logistic stuff, a little financial stuff and cried a bit.  I slept in that bed the rest of the night, more like passed out I was so very tired.

In the morning we had to get up and go to my parents.  He asked me if we could avoid talking about the divorce for the day, he is still getting his head around it, I agreed.  Also our families don’t know yet and today was not the day to drop the bomb on them.  We were going to my parents’ house to get my niece and spend the day with her, as promised for her birthday 3 weeks earlier.  We had a good day with her, she exhausted us both.  We came home and instead of going to our separate computers, which we were both too tired to do, we watched a movie (‘Zach and Miri” even though they sanitized the title for the video shelves, it’s a good movie, of course it is, it’s a Kevin Smith movie)  ate popcorn, and I started knitting him a hat for the St. Patrick’s Day parade he’s marching in.  I think because I am still willing to knit that hat for him and I never raised my voice at him or did anything out of anger and hatred he knows I still love him and care for him but I need this so I can love myself again.

I know there are many more steps to take, but he isn’t going to fight me.  When it comes to possessions, they are just things.  What’s important is moving on and starting over.  I hope to meet with the lawyer this week, find out the steps we need to take in this state and get the ball rolling.

Next weekend I will be out of town visiting a friend who I need to see more often, it’s been over a year and she’s been the support and encouragement and occasionally an annoying pit bull helping me push through and not lose my focus.  He will be seeing a large portion of our friends, mostly his friends, the guys we went to high school with.  They remained friends with him for over 25 years.  So all of them and their wives will be there.  He told me about this gathering and I slipped and said “Will you tell them?” and corrected myself quickly with “I mean Will you be going?” (I was trying to honor his request not to bring it up during the day with the niece) He said “Yes and Yes”.  I’m sure I’m losing a few friends once he says it, and a few will try to keep in contact with me but since they don’t talk to me normally, I know that won’t last long.

So Monday morning when asked “What did you do for Valentine’s?” I will answer “Agreed on our divorce” I love making people uncomfortable.

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I was adored once too

Feb 13th, 2009 by Exprincess

Love, True Love will follow you forever, so treasure your love

- The Impressive Clergyman – Princess Bride

I realize with all my bitterness and cynicism surrounding the midpoint of the second month of the new year that some of you may think I am just an angry Princess who wouldn’t know love if it bit her in the bottom and was wearing a hat with red flashing lights.  Well, that’s not completely true.

Once upon a time there was someone and for a short time I knew what it felt like to be loved and to love completely.  I was the focus of his life as he was of mine.  He thought of me first, I was his priority and I knew this.  He didn’t have to proclaim it loudly to the world, he didn’t even need to tell me, I just knew.  He was my first thought also, everything I did I thought about him.  We were happy, we just knew this was meant to be.

Unfortunately, there was one thing that could come between us.  Even though I would give up anything for him, I knew there was one thing in his life that he couldn’t give up and if he was ever forced to chose, I would lose.  I knew this, I accept it, I hope it would never happen.  But it did.

Now, that’s not where the story gets sad, because if he just said to me that the decision had to be made, I would have bowed out, crying the whole time, but I would still have the happy memories to comfort me and the knowledge that this wasn’t what he wanted either.  But that’s not how he chose to play it out.  He chose to lie to me about it.  In his logic he wanted me to move on and find someone else and be happy again, so to do that I needed to hate him first.  He started to cut off contact, telling me he was busy all the time, telling me he didn’t have time for me.  He started doing things that he knew would make me angry then eventually he told me he cheated on me because the thought I cheated on him, which I didn’t.  He told me this was who he really was and the months before were lies.

I refused to believe it.  How could I be so wrong about everything? How could my judge of character be so misguided.  I fell apart.  I didn’t know what was lies and what was truths.  And to this day I really don’t know.  He later told me that he did lie because he wanted me to move on with my life and he wasn’t a smart enough man to find another way to do it.  While he didn’t push me away the way he thought, he tainted every happy memory I had.  Even now I think back to some of those times, I smile briefly, then I remember how horrible it all went.

I have never before felt so loved and not since.  Maybe it’s true, you get one chance at true love and when it’s gone, it’s gone.  But if this was my one true love, why did it have to end so badly?  Until I asked for my divorce, I did what I could to not remember this relationship, then one night I realized this was the kind of love you marry for, and I didn’t.

True love,  In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, “I was adored once too.”

- Gareth – Four Weddings and a Funeral

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Trying to Break Cycles

Feb 8th, 2009 by Exprincess

So I’m sleeping in the guest room.  I’ve gotten used to the futon and sleep pretty well, only waking once a night when I pinch something and lose feeling in a hand.

Yesterday The Prince sent me an ecard saying he’s sorry and asking for forgiveness.  This is not a forgiveness issue. He’s had his chance, time’s up, game’s over.  He wants me to move back to the Master Bedroom because he misses me.  I thought about this and it comes down to this one thing.  Moving back there is for him, not for me.  I get no happiness from it, only he does. So I’m not.

Which brings up something else I’ve noticed in my life. I am a generous person.  If you are a friend and ask for help, I will do what I can to help and drop what I’m doing, if I can, to do so.  All I expect in return is friendship, nothing more.  How long it will take isn’t a concern for me, because this is for a friend.  But lately I noticed I have friends who on the surface seem to be taking advantage of this.  Who when I need a friend to lean on, a friend to just talk to, a friend to distract me or encourage me, I get told they are busy, need to work on something else or just don’t even reply to me.  I understand that being busy happens.  I’m not expecting to be the top priority in anyone’s life.  But if I’m the first person you think of when you need a favor, why am I not high enough on the list to at least check on once in awhile?

So here’s the dilemma: With the Prince everyone has told me I have to stand up for me and stop doing things to make him happy if it isn’t making me happy.  Do I do the same with friends?  The next time a favor request comes my way, even if it’s something that will take me no time to do, do I just say “No, there is nothing in it for me.” This is not in my nature.  I don’t have a lot of people I can call a friend, few I can talk to about this, fewer still who have been here and understand what I’m going through. Saying no, turning my back on a friend in need, isn’t in my nature.  But now more than ever I’m seeing what it looks like when I’m being taken advantage of.  What would you do?

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Valentine’s Day Massacured

Feb 4th, 2009 by Exprincess

I have been saying I hate Valentine’s Day for a while now and everyone thinks it’s because of what happened 2 weeks ago. (Which I will blog an update to later but I need to get this post out of my brain) It doesn’t.  The reasons go back many years, in fact over the past 26 years since I had my first valentine, I have never had a Valentine’s Day worth remembering.  So join me in the Way-Back Machine and let’s see why the Princess hates the most romantic day of the year.

Valentine’s 1983

OK this one wasn’t bad, this is when I had my first Valentine.  10th grade, French Club did this carnations thing, you buy a heart and send a carnation to someone during homeroom. I was in French Club, the Friday before Valentine’s we are in a classroom after school sorting out the hearts by homeroom and one of the girls says “Hey, Princess, you have a heart, want to know who?” Duh, of course I did at that point everyone else already looked. So there was no surprise Monday morning, but I spent all weekend thinking about it.  Oh, the heart, was from The Prince and he signed it Love.  We had first period class together and we spoke a little but really not that much, so I thought maybe just a friend thing, but why sign it Love?  Long story short, he asked me on my first date for that weekend, contingent on him passing his driver’s test that Wednesday.

1984

The Prince and I broke up 6 weeks before Valentine’s. I’m still in French Club, he sent a Heart to a Freshman.  Did I mention he was a Senior at this point? I spent the day crying or trying not to.

1985

Alone. A week later I met someone who I started dating and will forever be known as My Ex-Asshole.  I could write a novel about how that guy fucked me over.

1986

Still with the Ex-Asshole, He was homeless, his Father kicked him out, and living in various dorm lobbies at my college or his car.  I found this out later, he was a pretty good stalker didn’t see him following me to classes during the week, but he amazingly showed up after my last class every Friday.

1987

Ex-Asshole gone, trying to rebuild life, dating the Hippy Wanna-be.  I think he got stoned and I did homework, how romantic.

1988

Not in College, but living in the same town as my college. Broke up 6 weeks before with the One That Got Away. Apparently New Year’s and Break-ups go hand and hand with me. Anyway, I spent it alone as my best friend was with the boyfriend of the semester and I chose not to be the 3rd wheel that night.

1989

Back in college, Just started dating the Writer. Relationship too new to celebrate.

1990

Technically still dating the Writer and living at home 100 miles from him.  You see he didn’t want to ruin my Valentine’s but he also didn’t want to lie to me, so no card, no phone call until the 15th.  He dumped me.  Yes, he spent Valentine’s with his new girlfriend while his not-quite an ex-girlfriend was crying herself to sleep

1991

Spent the day with The Kid (he was 18, I was 23) got home late, next morning my Father told me.  His brother died suddenly of a heart attack. First time I saw my Dad cry. He had lost 2 of his other brothers already but this was his twin brother. 3 weeks before their 51st birthday. My Aunt was widowed at 45.  She never recovered from the loss.  She did this past January. She spent the last 18 years mourning the loss of her husband. Unfortunately she spent most of that time drunk and careless smoking most likely was the cause of the fire that killed her.  I can never imagine loving one person so much that their absence from your life would destroy yours.

1992

Second First Valentine’s with The Prince. Can’t remember anything about it, probably just dinner, movie, sex in his room at his parent’s house… typical date for the next 2 years.

1993 & 1994

See above

1995

First Valentine’s Married.  He bought me Roses. This is the thing with me and flowers: I never get them.  In the course of 26 years I have gotten them less than 10 times from The Prince.  So when he buys them, I wonder what happened. I’ve received Long Stem Roses 4 times in my life, once from my Godfather on my 16th birthday the other 3 from The Prince over the 17 Valetine’s he has been with me.

1996-2006

I have no clue what happened on any of these Valentine’s. I was married, romance died. I notice most cards are bought on his way home from work (I see the receipts)

2007

First Valentine’s I spent looking at the card at Hallmark trying to find one that didn’t promise undying love.  They don’t make them. 2 weeks before I said we need marriage counselling he took that as a great shock.  This scene was repeated for the Valentine’s, Anniversaries and Christmases over the next 2 years.

2008

I should have left month before, I should have stuck to my original gut feelings, but I didn’t.  I would do anything in my power to make this Valentine’s go away forever, but I can’t.  What happened is too personal for me to explain here.  Suffice to say it rattled me. I felt trapped and guilty for a long time after. Someday maybe I will get the courage to write about it here but right now I can’t.  It was the worse day in my life up to this point.  I have been dumped, had deaths in my family, spent the most forgettable days in my life on Valentine’s but last year will be the one that scars me.

2009

I have banned Valentine’s from this house.

So there, 26 years in less than 1000 words. Not a good Valentine’s among them.  I doubt I will ever have an enjoyable one in my life. Why should this one day be different than any other day? If you love someone why wait until February 14th to show them? It’s just a day like the other 364 during the year. If you have to be told to show your love by card stores and florists, what kind of love is that?

So will someone tell me where I can have coma induced on the 13th and woken on the 15th?

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Epilogue

Jan 21st, 2009 by Exprincess

4 words, 13 letters, can have more emotions tied to them than the 3 words and 8 letters we all want ot hear.  These 4 words no one wants to hear… or say.  But I said them.

I was home sick yesterday.  The night before I couldn’t sleep.  I felt like my insides were empty and the cloud of nothingness that had been trailing behind me had finally consumed me.  I knew if I didn’t do it and didn’t do it soon I would be lost.  I spent the day at home alone relaxed for the first time in a long time.  I slept, I cried, I thought over everything.  I had thought I pulled myself together when he got home but there I sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him.  Maybe if he didn’t spend extra time outside after puling into the garage I would have been fine and just faked the happiness I had been for two years.  But he was clearing snow and ice and after 10 minutes I was a wreck again.  He walked into the house and saw me sitting there.

“How do you feel?”

“As good as I ever will”

“What does that mean?”

I looked at him, tears welling up in my eyes “Physically I’m fine, but just for now I’m depressed and you know it.”

“Depressed? Why?”

He really hadn’t noticed?  Everyone who meets me knows it, friends who are 1500 miles away know it, how can he not notice? “I am tired of faking it, I’m tired of playing happy”

“What is wrong?”

“You know what is wrong.  It’s been wrong for two years, you know this.”

The look on his face wasn’t shock, wasn’t pain, it was nothing. Two years ago I said to him that I think we need to start marriage counselling and he claims that was his wake up call.  He apparently hit snooze and now the alarm is going off again.

“What are you saying?” He begged.  He wanted to hear the words.  The words I didn’t want to say but I knew I had to.

“I want a divorce.”

At that moment I felt a weight lift off of me, my heart started beating again, the knife in my stomach had gone, I started to feel like me again.

What followed was tears, anger, blame, shouting, emotional dumping…

“I’ve done everything I could to make you happy” he kept saying

When he would listen again I told him “Only I can make myself happy.  I have spent the last 41 years of my life trying to make everyone around me happy and I get nothing from it. I have to do it for me first.”

I have taken the steps to learning to be selfish and he didn’t like that at all.  I pointed out that he had things that made him happy and I had things that made me happy but we did them alone without the other person involved at all. I followed him from room to room, then just stayed onthe same floor with him.  Finally he went to take a bath, I gave him alone time, when he got done I asked him how he was. He hugged me and begged me to try again, to give him another chance, to not leave him.  He asked me to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" he thinks this is a communications problem.  I told a friend this and she said "Princesses* are from Jupiter".  Maybe that’s true, maybe I’m from another planet altogether because I am married to a great guy, ask anyone who has met him.  But it isn’t enough.

I set up the guestroom bed while he was in the bath.  I told him I assumed he would want me to sleep there and he told me that he never wanted me to.  He apologized that we had separate hobbies, I told him we have more than separate hobbies, we have separate lives.  We are two people living in the same house, sharing the same bed and we don’t know each other.  He said he didn’t want to lose his friend, I told him I lost mine after we got married, maybe someday we will be friends again but we aren’t going to be as long as we are married.

I told him I wanted to go take a bath too, I did and when I was done he was online playing with his buddies.  I got onto my computer in another room, talked to a few friends and took care of some online work I had to do.  I know he won’t tell anyone, I told several people.  It’s how we both communicate and deal with things.  I turn to friends for support, he turns to friends for distraction.

I slept in the master bedroom last night.  I know it’s possible for 2 people to share a king size bed and not know the other one is there.  This morning when he left for work, I saw him in the hall, I was still in bed.  He was standing there trying to figure out what to do.  He normally would kiss my forehead and say “I love you” instead he went downstairs and left.

I know I may never hear those three words again.  I hear them from friends but that’s not the context I mean.  I have no delusions of there being a Mr. Right out there for me.  Right now, all I want is to look at the woman in the mirror and tell her I love her.  Lately I haven’t recognized her, I haven’t even liked her.

Today at work I will tell my boss, I will call my real estate lawyer find out if his office handles divorce or if he can give me a referral.  I will talk to a divorce lawyer and find out what lies ahead.  I will also call my company’s Employee Assistance Program and find a therapist.  Even though I feel fine right now, I don’t want that cloud of nothingness to take over again.  I asked him to see someone too, I don’t know if he will.

This Fairytale has ended, but the new book hasn’t started yet.  I’m stuck in an Epilogue right now.

*Friend really used my name here

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