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Ghosts from the past

Jan 12th, 2009 by Exprincess

A long time ago when I was in college, there was a guy, I’ll call him the Greek. He and I used to sleep together.  There was no dating here, there was picking me up at my dorm, going to his place and getting naked.  Variations on the theme would be him picking me at the dining commons, the mall, somewhere on campus.  Other than that, there was nothing more to this relationship.  I don’t know why, when we did talk (yes, there was talking, mostly online or if we happened to run into each other in public) we got along really well.  But he was looking for Ms. Right and I was Ms. Right-for-Now.  Eventually we stopped sleeping together and life continued on…

Two years later I started dating a guy, who I will call The Geek. Ok, in my past there are plenty of guys who fit this description.  I guess I could call him the Bike Racing, Germaphobe, Momma’s Boy, Geek, but for these purposes and because it will sound cute later, he’s just The Geek.  Can’t remember how I met him, can’t remember what attracted me, but I do remember him.  There were dates and there was talking and there was pretty good sex, which if anyone met him, they wouldn’t believe, but I digress.  This was a relationship, he even took me to New York City for a weekend to meet his mother and see the city he grew up in.   I kind of blame him for my love of loft apartments and exposed bricks.  We had a lot of fun for the time it lasted, I can’t remember why it ended exactly.  I know I was in the phase in my life where if I didn’t see it lasting I would call it quits before things got to serious and he was the first guy in a long while to make it past 2 weeks.

The thing about The Geek, he was sharing an apartment with The Greek.

After the first morning I walked out of the shower to see The Greek, he realized I wasn’t just a passing fancy for The Geek.  Apparently The Greek felt the need to talk to The Geek about me after I left that morning.  He said to The Geek “She’s fun to play with but she’s not the type you settle down with.”  When The Geek told me that I was speechless.  That was coming from a guy who has panties in his bedroom displayed like trophies (mine were not there).  So considering the source, I shouldn’t pay it much mind, but it stuck with me. 

Why would he think that?  He never gave me an honest chance.  Was he jealous that The Geek had a steady girlfriend?  Was he jealous that she was one of his play toys?  Was it that he knew he never gave me a chance and maybe he could have a steady girlfriend?  Or was it me.  Maybe he was right, maybe I wasn’t the type to settle down, maybe that’s why I kept breaking up with perfectly good guys.  Maybe that is why I kept dating ones who I knew weren’t going to work out.  Those words have been haunting me for 20 years.  Were they haunting me when I got engaged? Probably.  They were probably haunting me from the moment I kissed The Prince for the second first time.  And as I think about starting life over again, they are now screaming at me louder than before.

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Posted in Flashback, Ghosts | 4 Comments »

White Knights and Superheros need not apply

Jan 10th, 2009 by Exprincess

Sorry for being MIA, the holidays were… well… the holidays.  I have a long post half written but so much has happened that it can wait.  This is something that came to me the other day when I was talking to another DC blogger.  Something she knows, something I know but need to fully embrace and something a few of our friends need to learn:

Disney really fucked us over

What do I mean?  I mean: Sorry Snow, Aurora and Ella, but Prince Charming isn’t real and he isn’t going to save you.  There is no white knight on a steed with colors flying coming to rescue you from the life you have to give you the life you deserve.  All those movies of my youth, the ones I have special collectors edition DVDs of, are fairytales and fairytales don’t happen in real life.

Also for all you Vicki Vales, Lois Lanes and Mary Jane Watsons, stop falling off of buildings, getting trapped in the path of speeding trains and in general getting tangled up with the wrong men who only want to bring you harm.  There are no superheros who are going to fly in just in the nick of time to save you sorry ass again.  So watch your step and look both way before crossing the street.

What I’m saying to you and to the woman in the mirror: You have to save yourself, no one else can do it for you.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to take that first step to really changing your life.  I know, I’ve been trying to gather strength for over two years.  I am lucky to have friends who know what’s happening and have been through it, but in the end it’s all up to me.

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Posted in Present Day | 2 Comments »

Perfecting that Princess Smile and Wave

Dec 8th, 2008 by Exprincess

Maybe it’s the holiday, maybe it’s because I hate hurting people, maybe I’m scared to be happy… who knows but right now I am more unsure of myself than I have been in a long time.   I know I’m guilty of hiding my feelings to protect him, little by little I have been letting them out and I can see the injured puppy look in his eyes.  What am I doing?  He doesn’t deserve this or does he?  Do I have to be someone I don’t like to be the person I want to be in the end?  I don’t like thinking of myself as an uncaring bitch but that is how I feel when I take steps to protect my happiness.  I find myself in a cycle of standing up for myself then backing down once I see that I hurt him.  I even try to come up with compromises but he doesn’t want to hear them.  If I don’t agree with him, he goes off and mopes and I feel worse.  So I fake my smile and try to accept the situation and live day to day.

One thing recently that has me questioning everything is finding out a friend has been lying to protect my feelings and it’s failing miserably.  Finding out I’ve been lied to hurts worse than if I was just told the truth.  I’m not one to turn my back and walk away from anyone no matter what.  It’s not in my nature, I can’t do it.  I still think of this person as a friend.   And now I wonder if I am such a bad judge of people that I would allow myself to be friends with people who will hurt me or take advantage of me on purpose.  Or I just hope that I can touch that small amount of good in a person in a way that they won’t treat me badly.  Maybe I’m not safe outside the castle, I should just stay put, happiness be damned and just be safe from the outside world.  Maybe it’s time to add a new monster to the moat and raise the drawbridge. 

But how is what this friend has done to me any different than what I am doing to the Prince?  I am lying about my feelings, my desires and my wants to make it easier for him to live day to day.  And when I let him know a little of the truth I see the hurt in him that I feel now about my friend.  How is what I’m doing not a thousand times worse?  I’m lying to man I stood at an altar with and made promises to, promises I don’t believe in anymore.

So I will be wearing my Princess smile and waving to the crowds for now.

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Posted in Present Day | 3 Comments »

Locked away in my personal dungeon

Nov 26th, 2008 by Exprincess

One thing I know about me:  I will give up my own happiness for someone else’s happiness.

I know this.  I can recognize when I’m doing it.  I can’t figure out how to stop myself from doing it though.  When I was little my mother would tell me I’m being selfish about whatever.  I took that to heart I guess and I have avoided selfish behavior all my adult life.  Even when I do something that is just for me, I make sure that no one else is inconvenienced.  I have many friends telling me it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do something for myself and be selfish.  Then I have other friends who make me feel guilty because my happiness will cause someone else pain.  The idea of hurting anyone on purpose stabs at me like a knife in the heart, I’m not doing this because I feel a little unhappy, I’m doing this because I haven’t been happy for years and that unhappiness has turned into a depression.  I know all the reasons and I know what I have to do but once I look at him and I see him sad in anyway, I fear I will back down again and give up on my own happiness.  No matter what I do I will let down people.  I will either let down people who want me stand up for myself and take the steps to be happy or I will let down people who think I’m being haste and selfish.  Either way I let myself down, either I gave in and will never leave or I acted selfishly and hurt someone I do care about.

I wish I could convince myself completely that it’s ok to be selfish, it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do this.  But people will be hurt and it will be all my fault.

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Posted in Present Day | 3 Comments »

Wicked Witches I can handle…

Nov 24th, 2008 by Exprincess

It’s my own personal demons I’m not so sure about.

As I look at the mess my marriage has become and I think about calling it quits fears jump out at me when I least expect it.  I could be enjoying the day then out of nowhere one hits.  I start to panic and dwell on it, I start to wonder if maybe I am all wrong and this is as good as it gets… or as good as I deserve.

I fear that I will be forever single.  I remember back before I reconnected with the Prince and I had a long string of failed relationships.  I was too clingy, too distance, too demanding, too self-sufficent, too something that either made them leave or made me leave.

I fear that he will forever be single.  Yes, I worry about him and his feelings.  I don’t have kids to worry after, all I have is him and even though he doesn’t make me happy, I want him to be happy.  I know I am hurting him.  The last time I tried to leave I backed down, he was crying, he was saying I was everything he ever wanted, I agreed to give it another try.  I can’t back down again, we tried and I am more unhappy than I ever was.

I fear that the failure is all mine.  I know that it takes two to make things work and for 12 years I was doing it all for both of us.  When I needed that shoulder to cry on, that person there to take care of me, he wasn’t there.  I can’t let that go.  The marriage counsellor said I need to forget the past and move on.  I can’t.  Things happened that can’t be fixed.  I will never have children.  He can’t make up for the fact that I don’t feel like I can rely on him to remember to do the simplest things.  This is something that has bothered me from the start.  I would ask him to do something, let’s say take out the garbage, he would nod and say he would, then a day goes by, I ask again, later that day I ask a third time and I get yelled at for nagging him and I end up out at the dumpster myself.  Because of this I learned not to rely on him for anything so I take care of everything.  Which leads to…

I fear I’m too self-sufficent to really need anyone else in my life.  I know that sounds silly, but I want to need someone.  I want to feel like I need another person to make it through the day and I want them to need me too.  Isn’t that what a relationship is?  Isn’t part of it being able to show the other person the part of you that needs them? 

I fear that I have unreason expectations.  I’m not a 20 year old not sure of who I want or what about them would attract me.  I’m in my 40’s, I know what I want and while I will be flexible on somethings, there are other things I won’t bend on.  Will this lead me to start rejecting would be suitors left and right and not giving any of them a chance?  I have a long past of doing that before, hence all the failed relationships.  I don’t want to be that girl again, the one that was once described by an ex-boyfriend as “She’s fun to play with but not the type you marry”

I fear I’m giving up everything for nothing.  That’s the big one.  Going into the unknown, starting over from scratch.  All I know is I only have myself to fall back on.  And in the end I could be doing the one thing to find my happiness again, or the biggest mistake ever.

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Posted in Present Day | 5 Comments »

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