I know I have real life lessons to learn. I know I have more fears to face. I know I will be scared at times but I have the inner strength to survive. And when I think I don’t, there is a voice that tells me I do.

Today I got the phone call from the lawyer. In 31 days we have a court date. I knew it was coming, I thought it would just be a sit down with the judge to discuss the agreement. My lawyer told me “If we have an agreement walking in, I will get you your divorce”. In 15 days we meet in my lawyer’s office. Me, My Lawyer, The Prince’s Lawyer and The Prince. I haven’t seen him since I moved out 3 months ago. Seeing his face scares me more than anything. The last time I saw him he looked at me with such a cold stare. I need to prepare myself to see that again. I need to prepare myself for the worse and hope for the best. Until then, I will keep moving on with life.

This fairytale is coming to an end. Now to see what happens when an Ex-Princess has to fend for herself. All I can say is I really miss my maids.

I know this.  I can recognize when I’m doing it.  I can’t figure out how to stop myself from doing it though.  When I was little my mother would tell me I’m being selfish about whatever.  I took that to heart I guess and I have avoided selfish behavior all my adult life.  Even when I do something that is just for me, I make sure that no one else is inconvenienced.  I have many friends telling me it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do something for myself and be selfish.  Then I have other friends who make me feel guilty because my happiness will cause someone else pain.  The idea of hurting anyone on purpose stabs at me like a knife in the heart, I’m not doing this because I feel a little unhappy, I’m doing this because I haven’t been happy for years and that unhappiness has turned into a depression.  I know all the reasons and I know what I have to do but once I look at him and I see him sad in anyway, I fear I will back down again and give up on my own happiness.  No matter what I do I will let down people.  I will either let down people who want me stand up for myself and take the steps to be happy or I will let down people who think I’m being haste and selfish.  Either way I let myself down, either I gave in and will never leave or I acted selfishly and hurt someone I do care about.

I wish I could convince myself completely that it’s ok to be selfish, it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do this.  But people will be hurt and it will be all my fault.

As I look at the mess my marriage has become and I think about calling it quits fears jump out at me when I least expect it.  I could be enjoying the day then out of nowhere one hits.  I start to panic and dwell on it, I start to wonder if maybe I am all wrong and this is as good as it gets… or as good as I deserve.

I fear that I will be forever single.  I remember back before I reconnected with the Prince and I had a long string of failed relationships.  I was too clingy, too distance, too demanding, too self-sufficent, too something that either made them leave or made me leave.

I fear that he will forever be single.  Yes, I worry about him and his feelings.  I don’t have kids to worry after, all I have is him and even though he doesn’t make me happy, I want him to be happy.  I know I am hurting him.  The last time I tried to leave I backed down, he was crying, he was saying I was everything he ever wanted, I agreed to give it another try.  I can’t back down again, we tried and I am more unhappy than I ever was.

I fear that the failure is all mine.  I know that it takes two to make things work and for 12 years I was doing it all for both of us.  When I needed that shoulder to cry on, that person there to take care of me, he wasn’t there.  I can’t let that go.  The marriage counsellor said I need to forget the past and move on.  I can’t.  Things happened that can’t be fixed.  I will never have children.  He can’t make up for the fact that I don’t feel like I can rely on him to remember to do the simplest things.  This is something that has bothered me from the start.  I would ask him to do something, let’s say take out the garbage, he would nod and say he would, then a day goes by, I ask again, later that day I ask a third time and I get yelled at for nagging him and I end up out at the dumpster myself.  Because of this I learned not to rely on him for anything so I take care of everything.  Which leads to…

I fear I’m too self-sufficent to really need anyone else in my life.  I know that sounds silly, but I want to need someone.  I want to feel like I need another person to make it through the day and I want them to need me too.  Isn’t that what a relationship is?  Isn’t part of it being able to show the other person the part of you that needs them? 

I fear that I have unreason expectations.  I’m not a 20 year old not sure of who I want or what about them would attract me.  I’m in my 40’s, I know what I want and while I will be flexible on somethings, there are other things I won’t bend on.  Will this lead me to start rejecting would be suitors left and right and not giving any of them a chance?  I have a long past of doing that before, hence all the failed relationships.  I don’t want to be that girl again, the one that was once described by an ex-boyfriend as “She’s fun to play with but not the type you marry”

I fear I’m giving up everything for nothing.  That’s the big one.  Going into the unknown, starting over from scratch.  All I know is I only have myself to fall back on.  And in the end I could be doing the one thing to find my happiness again, or the biggest mistake ever.