One thing recently that has me questioning everything is finding out a friend has been lying to protect my feelings and it’s failing miserably.  Finding out I’ve been lied to hurts worse than if I was just told the truth.  I’m not one to turn my back and walk away from anyone no matter what.  It’s not in my nature, I can’t do it.  I still think of this person as a friend.   And now I wonder if I am such a bad judge of people that I would allow myself to be friends with people who will hurt me or take advantage of me on purpose.  Or I just hope that I can touch that small amount of good in a person in a way that they won’t treat me badly.  Maybe I’m not safe outside the castle, I should just stay put, happiness be damned and just be safe from the outside world.  Maybe it’s time to add a new monster to the moat and raise the drawbridge. 

But how is what this friend has done to me any different than what I am doing to the Prince?  I am lying about my feelings, my desires and my wants to make it easier for him to live day to day.  And when I let him know a little of the truth I see the hurt in him that I feel now about my friend.  How is what I’m doing not a thousand times worse?  I’m lying to man I stood at an altar with and made promises to, promises I don’t believe in anymore.

So I will be wearing my Princess smile and waving to the crowds for now.

I know this.  I can recognize when I’m doing it.  I can’t figure out how to stop myself from doing it though.  When I was little my mother would tell me I’m being selfish about whatever.  I took that to heart I guess and I have avoided selfish behavior all my adult life.  Even when I do something that is just for me, I make sure that no one else is inconvenienced.  I have many friends telling me it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do something for myself and be selfish.  Then I have other friends who make me feel guilty because my happiness will cause someone else pain.  The idea of hurting anyone on purpose stabs at me like a knife in the heart, I’m not doing this because I feel a little unhappy, I’m doing this because I haven’t been happy for years and that unhappiness has turned into a depression.  I know all the reasons and I know what I have to do but once I look at him and I see him sad in anyway, I fear I will back down again and give up on my own happiness.  No matter what I do I will let down people.  I will either let down people who want me stand up for myself and take the steps to be happy or I will let down people who think I’m being haste and selfish.  Either way I let myself down, either I gave in and will never leave or I acted selfishly and hurt someone I do care about.

I wish I could convince myself completely that it’s ok to be selfish, it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to do this.  But people will be hurt and it will be all my fault.