So I’ve been looking at apartments. Saw one a few months ago, reasonable distance from work, great space, price was exactly at my upper limit. Saw a place yesterday, once again beautiful, great community, very close to work, the only apartments I would fit in, too much money. Saw an apartment building today. Every unit they showed me was beautiful and I could afford even the three bedroom, which I outright said “This is too much room for me.” I narrowed it down to two units there that I really liked, really I think one is better than the other but that’s what second showings are for. The problem, it’s as far from work as I am now, just in the opposite direction. I would be happy to suffer a 45 minute commute to smile when I come home though. Tomorrow I see my father and we will talk these over. He wants to see any place I might want to rent first. Check things like security, the neighborhood, etc. You know all those things that fathers worry about when their little girl is involved. With luck I could be leaving a deposit and an application with them this week and have a move in date as soon as I want.

That’s the good news, the bad news: Telling The Prince. This will not be pretty. I do not expect him to be happy about this, I do not expect him to help me move, I do not expect anything from him. Unfortunately his attitude of late is making it easier for me not to care about his feeling. That is one of the hardest things for me to do. I care about everyone. If you are family or friend or perfect stranger, I care about your feelings. Even if you have hurt me, I care. It’s gift or a flaw depending on how you look at it. But this man I married, who has been part of my life for 28 years, has managed to get me to be apathetic toward him. Do I not care at all? No, I do still care some, but lately I have been putting my own feelings first and I don’t think he likes that. Oh well, not my problem. Someone has to put me first, might as well be me.

Valentine’s 2009

Unexpectedly good… in a very non-Valentine’s way.

To start the story I need to back up to 2 days before.  The Prince and I talked, argued, cried, fought.  He realized it’s really over, no more denying it, nothing can be done that will make up for all the reasons we are where we are today.  I felt a little better because he was accepting, but I felt worse because he hated me.  I don’t hate him, I do love him but not enough to be married to him.  Sleep that night was almost non-existent.  Friday I was at work, feeling a little better, knowing he was accepting what was going to happen, but still upset that when I got home the person there would rather me not be there.  I called home twice during the day, it went straight to the answering machine.  I was going to run errands that night but I was worried what was going to greet me when I got there.  I walked in, he was there talking to friend while playing a game.  I asked why he didn’t pick up the phone he said he had nothing to say to me.  I went to take a nap as I was exhausted from no sleep the night before.  He was going to dinner with the guys, most of whom we have known for over 20 years. I found out he didn’t drive, I assumed he was planning on drinking and I hoped he would just pass out when he got home.  He got home late and we went to our separate rooms.

At 3:35am, he comes to my door. “You alseep?”

“No”

“Want to talk?”

“About what?”

“Everything”

He got me to go into the Master bedroom and lay down. (I miss that pillow top mattress and my perfect pillow) He said he realized that nothing will change my mind and he could either be a prick about it or accept it and do this the easy way, if there is such a thing.  The night out one of the guys revealed that he and his wife of 14 years are 2 months from having their divorce finalized and he saw his buddy chose to be angry and bitter the whole time.  His friend had also taken to screwing anything he came across as a way to deal with his divorce.  The Prince saw that he could end up the same way and he didn’t like it at all.  He said he would like to keep the house and he wanted me to list out everything I wanted to take with me.  He wants to sit down and figure out how much it would cost to keep this place and if he could do it.  When he found a new job.

Side note: I didn’t blog this but the morning after I asked for the divorce, his company of 10 years laid him off.

I told him I talked to our real estate lawyer and got the name of two lawyers and I was going to call one Monday morning and make an appointment.  I told him if he wasn’t going to fight me on this we don’t need two lawyers getting rich off of us and he agreed.  We talked, in the dark, laying in ‘our’ bed with a cat between us, talked out logistic stuff, a little financial stuff and cried a bit.  I slept in that bed the rest of the night, more like passed out I was so very tired.

In the morning we had to get up and go to my parents.  He asked me if we could avoid talking about the divorce for the day, he is still getting his head around it, I agreed.  Also our families don’t know yet and today was not the day to drop the bomb on them.  We were going to my parents’ house to get my niece and spend the day with her, as promised for her birthday 3 weeks earlier.  We had a good day with her, she exhausted us both.  We came home and instead of going to our separate computers, which we were both too tired to do, we watched a movie (‘Zach and Miri” even though they sanitized the title for the video shelves, it’s a good movie, of course it is, it’s a Kevin Smith movie)  ate popcorn, and I started knitting him a hat for the St. Patrick’s Day parade he’s marching in.  I think because I am still willing to knit that hat for him and I never raised my voice at him or did anything out of anger and hatred he knows I still love him and care for him but I need this so I can love myself again.

I know there are many more steps to take, but he isn’t going to fight me.  When it comes to possessions, they are just things.  What’s important is moving on and starting over.  I hope to meet with the lawyer this week, find out the steps we need to take in this state and get the ball rolling.

Next weekend I will be out of town visiting a friend who I need to see more often, it’s been over a year and she’s been the support and encouragement and occasionally an annoying pit bull helping me push through and not lose my focus.  He will be seeing a large portion of our friends, mostly his friends, the guys we went to high school with.  They remained friends with him for over 25 years.  So all of them and their wives will be there.  He told me about this gathering and I slipped and said “Will you tell them?” and corrected myself quickly with “I mean Will you be going?” (I was trying to honor his request not to bring it up during the day with the niece) He said “Yes and Yes”.  I’m sure I’m losing a few friends once he says it, and a few will try to keep in contact with me but since they don’t talk to me normally, I know that won’t last long.

So Monday morning when asked “What did you do for Valentine’s?” I will answer “Agreed on our divorce” I love making people uncomfortable.

Valentine’s 1983

OK this one wasn’t bad, this is when I had my first Valentine.  10th grade, French Club did this carnations thing, you buy a heart and send a carnation to someone during homeroom. I was in French Club, the Friday before Valentine’s we are in a classroom after school sorting out the hearts by homeroom and one of the girls says “Hey, Princess, you have a heart, want to know who?” Duh, of course I did at that point everyone else already looked. So there was no surprise Monday morning, but I spent all weekend thinking about it.  Oh, the heart, was from The Prince and he signed it Love.  We had first period class together and we spoke a little but really not that much, so I thought maybe just a friend thing, but why sign it Love?  Long story short, he asked me on my first date for that weekend, contingent on him passing his driver’s test that Wednesday.

1984

The Prince and I broke up 6 weeks before Valentine’s. I’m still in French Club, he sent a Heart to a Freshman.  Did I mention he was a Senior at this point? I spent the day crying or trying not to.

1985

Alone. A week later I met someone who I started dating and will forever be known as My Ex-Asshole.  I could write a novel about how that guy fucked me over.

1986

Still with the Ex-Asshole, He was homeless, his Father kicked him out, and living in various dorm lobbies at my college or his car.  I found this out later, he was a pretty good stalker didn’t see him following me to classes during the week, but he amazingly showed up after my last class every Friday.

1987

Ex-Asshole gone, trying to rebuild life, dating the Hippy Wanna-be.  I think he got stoned and I did homework, how romantic.

1988

Not in College, but living in the same town as my college. Broke up 6 weeks before with the One That Got Away. Apparently New Year’s and Break-ups go hand and hand with me. Anyway, I spent it alone as my best friend was with the boyfriend of the semester and I chose not to be the 3rd wheel that night.

1989

Back in college, Just started dating the Writer. Relationship too new to celebrate.

1990

Technically still dating the Writer and living at home 100 miles from him.  You see he didn’t want to ruin my Valentine’s but he also didn’t want to lie to me, so no card, no phone call until the 15th.  He dumped me.  Yes, he spent Valentine’s with his new girlfriend while his not-quite an ex-girlfriend was crying herself to sleep

1991

Spent the day with The Kid (he was 18, I was 23) got home late, next morning my Father told me.  His brother died suddenly of a heart attack. First time I saw my Dad cry. He had lost 2 of his other brothers already but this was his twin brother. 3 weeks before their 51st birthday. My Aunt was widowed at 45.  She never recovered from the loss.  She did this past January. She spent the last 18 years mourning the loss of her husband. Unfortunately she spent most of that time drunk and careless smoking most likely was the cause of the fire that killed her.  I can never imagine loving one person so much that their absence from your life would destroy yours.

1992

Second First Valentine’s with The Prince. Can’t remember anything about it, probably just dinner, movie, sex in his room at his parent’s house… typical date for the next 2 years.

1993 & 1994

See above

1995

First Valentine’s Married.  He bought me Roses. This is the thing with me and flowers: I never get them.  In the course of 26 years I have gotten them less than 10 times from The Prince.  So when he buys them, I wonder what happened. I’ve received Long Stem Roses 4 times in my life, once from my Godfather on my 16th birthday the other 3 from The Prince over the 17 Valetine’s he has been with me.

1996-2006

I have no clue what happened on any of these Valentine’s. I was married, romance died. I notice most cards are bought on his way home from work (I see the receipts)

2007

First Valentine’s I spent looking at the card at Hallmark trying to find one that didn’t promise undying love.  They don’t make them. 2 weeks before I said we need marriage counselling he took that as a great shock.  This scene was repeated for the Valentine’s, Anniversaries and Christmases over the next 2 years.

2008

I should have left month before, I should have stuck to my original gut feelings, but I didn’t.  I would do anything in my power to make this Valentine’s go away forever, but I can’t.  What happened is too personal for me to explain here.  Suffice to say it rattled me. I felt trapped and guilty for a long time after. Someday maybe I will get the courage to write about it here but right now I can’t.  It was the worse day in my life up to this point.  I have been dumped, had deaths in my family, spent the most forgettable days in my life on Valentine’s but last year will be the one that scars me.

2009

I have banned Valentine’s from this house.

So there, 26 years in less than 1000 words. Not a good Valentine’s among them.  I doubt I will ever have an enjoyable one in my life. Why should this one day be different than any other day? If you love someone why wait until February 14th to show them? It’s just a day like the other 364 during the year. If you have to be told to show your love by card stores and florists, what kind of love is that?

So will someone tell me where I can have coma induced on the 13th and woken on the 15th?