I want the divorce, he agreed not to fight me on it but no matter what I keep running in to that door.  I run the numbers, I can tell him how much it would cost to stay in this house by himself, I can tell him all I want from the divorce settlement, but why bother?  He still doesn’t have a job.  He can’t stay here without one.  Making him homeless is nowhere on my list of things I want to do.  Selling this house would wipe out all our debts and give us both enough money in the bank to start over pretty well, but I can’t really suggest that.  When I look at him I see a beaten man, that would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down.  Which, yes, that means if he got laid off first I would have never said anything and still be living in silent misery.

He says he’s trying to find a job but there aren’t any or he’s sending in applications and resumes but haven’t heard back.  I know he is working with a headhunter and he’s called saying he’s not finding a lot of openings right now.  In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He’s dragging his feet on purpose. He knows you won’t leave if he doesn’t have a job.” That voice is getting louder.  I would like to believe he wouldn’t do this… but I’m not sure.  I’m really not sure.

I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t.  I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.